Today, I was on a work call when my coworker made an accidental Freudian slip. Thinking I was muted, I muttered, "That’s what she said." I wasn’t muted. FML
Today, I was pooping in a public toilet and a kid had walked in on me. I then heard him tell his dad, "It's okay, I didn't see anything, he was fat so his chubby legs hid it." FML
Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML
Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML
Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML
Today, I finally told my mom that it hurts me every time she calls me fat. She got offended that I'm offended. Now our whole entire extended family wants me to say sorry to her and them, because apparently they also call me fat behind my back. I'm a size small by the way. FML
Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML
Today, the dorm above me had their toilet pipe break and leak through my ceiling, so I have to move rooms. The worst part was I answered the door to let the repairman in while I was in pajamas, but he looked uncomfortable. I didn't notice until he left that my 'thing' was poking out. FML
Today, some guy at the bus stop screamed at me because the bus was coming and I wasn’t wearing my mask. I was standing 25 feet from the stop finishing a smoke and there was no one around me. When I sat down on the bus, with my mask on, he stared me down the whole ride. FML
Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me God, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML
Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML
Today, on vacation my wife asked if I wanted her to take my picture. I realized it was the first time in our 10 years she had asked me that question. Moments later I realized it's the first time in my life that anyone's ever asked me that. FML
Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML
Today, I smashed my finger with a hammer. A finger on the hand holding the hammer. FML
Today, I found out that I can’t get my COVID vaccine due to my chance of going into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend’s 6 year-old son. The first thing he said to me was, "You’re not going to leave us for another man like mommy did, right?" FML
Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML
Today, my mom told me to stop using my phone and talk to them, but whenever I do that, they just end up yelling at me and telling me to go to my room. FML
Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML
Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML
Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend is trying to get her ex-boyfriend to move up here. FML
Today, after a year of unemployment due to my industry shutdown, I finally got a job offer. It involves overseas travel. After being cooped up a year, I'm thrilled! My boyfriend's mother is willing to pay my rent and bills for me to stay home. FML
Today, I asked Alexa to turn on my baby's white noise machine. Instead, she started playing Pharrell Williams's "Happy" while the baby was asleep. FML
Today, my daughter left a plate of food in her room for two hours. When I yelled at her about ants, her response was, "But I thought it took DAYS for ants to show up!" I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, after we went and spent $30 to get our two youngest boys hair cut last weekend, they snuck my beard trimmer and had a go at doing it themselves. Guess whose heads are buzzed now. FML
Today, I called my mother to tell her about my terminal cancer diagnosis. She responded with, "What makes you think I care at all?" before hanging up. FML
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