Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML
Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML
Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML
Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML
Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML
Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML
Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML
Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML
Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML
Today, I got a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML
Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML
Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML
Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML
Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML
Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML
Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a box of chocolates as a present. A few hours later, he texted me saying that the box of chocolates contained nuts. He's allergic to nuts and his mother now thinks I'm trying to kill him. FML
Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML
Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML
Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML
Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML
Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML
Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML
Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML
Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML
Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML
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