Anonymous
United States
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
All the FMLs
Anonymous
United States
Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML
thisguy
Canada
Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on, and drive away. FML
Veryfunny
Australia
Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML
Anonymous
United States
Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML
Anonymous
United States
Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML
photofaint
United Kingdom
Queasy
Today, we had our whole staff photo. We all had to stand up in rows in height order, as I'm tall I had to stand in the middle, at the back. I'm horribly claustrophobic and ended up fainting in front of 100 colleagues, taking down 4 people around me. FML
wobble...
Australia
Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML
ZeroApostle4Ever
United States
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
atsukobo
United States
Good start
Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML
Blueshock08
United States
Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML
crzyry
Canada
Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML
Anonymous
Canada
Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
KittenNomNom
United States
Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML
KittenNomNom_fml tells us more.
Ahahah everyone, the shirt was a joke. I wasn't really offended, we ended up becoming friends afterwards. A lot of you are right, he has a great sense of humor and he was just teasing. It didn't kill my self esteem or anything of that sort, I just thought it might give someone a laugh (: Thanks for all the comments and such~
nevergettingajob
Canada
Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML
Anonymous
United States
Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML
Whoopsie
United States
Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML
AndelleRae
United States
Today, everyone in my house has a horrible stomach flu. My two toddler nephews don't understand that they need to throw up in the bathroom, so they just blow chunks everywhere. I have to clean it up, while trying not to do the same. FML
AndelleRae tells us more.
This is mine. They are two and three years old, and while I tried to give them little buckets, they didn't always make it in. It's my job to watch them because I am their full time live in nanny. My sister works third shift and her husband recently passed away, so it's down to me to take care of them. Everyone is over it now, but it was a pretty nasty couple of days, for sure.
Lonely Gay
United States
Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML
jenni6488
United Kingdom
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
kohler9790
United States
Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML
Anonymous
Germany
Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML
GeeTwo
United States
Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML
Djcc
United States
Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML
mary
Australia
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
mishie1
United States
Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML
kat
Reserved
Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML
bloodshedblack
United States
Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML
Carpet cleaner
Canada
Wait for the hangover
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
ashleigh_anarchy
Australia
Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother's death to the death of their cat. FML
ashleigh_anarchy tells us more.
Just to follow things up. It has only been a month since she passed away. She was pretty much my best friend. She had been sick for all of my life and I looked after her for as long as I remember. In the last three months she was completely bedridden. She was a very strong woman and was expected to live 20 years less than she did, but I absolutely couldn't believe it when she died because of how much she carried on and of course I cared about it more than anything. It was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and am still experiencing. The cat in question was a stray cat, and I posted this because why the **** would I post an FML on the day she died? I can tell you now I was doing a lot more important things. This is my reaction to an idiot one month later, who said 'Sorry about your mum. I know how you feel, my cat died'. Nothing should be more important than the relationship with your mother. If you never got to have a good relationship with yours, I'm very sorry. But yeah, I have lost pets and I was distraught but NOTHING can compare. If you haven't lost a close parent, you can't imagine.