Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML
Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML
Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML
Today, I was escorted out of a grocery store for beating my boyfriend with a block of cheese. FML
cricketsins tells us more.
cricketsins 36
Let me give some details before the blasting gets too bad: "beating" was an exaggeration. I was not literally bludgeoning him with a block of cheese. I'm sure that somewhere, someone has done this. That person was not me. It all started because he and I were picking up a few items and he just *happened* to lead me to the cheese aisle in the deli. I love cheese; he knows this and was teasing me. So, one poke led to a pinch, and all of a sudden my cheese-rage took hold and I was swatting him with a block of cheese. It was all in good fun. We are always joking and wrestling around. While we have both seriously hurt one another while wrestling, it's always an accident.
Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML
Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML
Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML
Today, I was pouring boiling water into a cup, and I accidentally spilled it all over my hand. My mother responded by slapping me for getting water everywhere. My hand is scorched red, but thanks, I love you too, mother. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML
Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML
Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML
Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML
Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML
Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML
Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML
Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML
Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML
Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML
Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML
Today, I was conducting surveys over the phone at work. As I called a new respondent, someone answered the phone, burped loudly, and hung up. This isn't the first time. I hate this job. FML
RidingCJ tells us more.
RidingCJ 17
OP here. First of all we are not telemarketers because we are not selling anything. Telemarketers are the ones who will not let you go and force you to buy things over the phone. Second of all, yeah I know those calls are annoying. We are all aware of that. Do you think we really like to do this?! I'm a full time college student and this is the only job that fits my schedule. Whenever a telemarketer or interviewer calls you, just say I'm NOT INTERESTED PLEASE TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR LIST. and we won't call you again. It's simple. And please, no need to be rude.
Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML
Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML
Today, my brother and I got into an intense argument that ended up with us trading blows and having the cops called on us. Apparently I was "insulting his intelligence" by trying to explain that you don't make buttermilk by putting butter in milk. He's 18. FML
davincidasecond tells us more.
This is OP. So to clear things up, neither of us really got into to much trouble, we just got off with a warning. The argument started off with the buttermilk issue and then touched on other personal issues (that I won't disclose), which is why the argument got so heated. One thing led to another, I shoved him, he punched me, i retaliated, etc. and soon enough the cops knocked on our door because neighbors called about a noise disturbance, not because we started to get physical. We usually butt heads about stupid things but this is the only time it got so bad. I take 100% responsibility for what I did, yes, it was stupid, and I completely deserve it. He and I apologized to each other and put it behind us, even though I'm annoyed at the busted lip he gave me, lol.
Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML
Today, for the tenth time, my teacher made a misbehaving student sit next to me as punishment. He begged for detention instead. FML
WinkleBottom tells us more.
WinkleBottom 13
Breath or body odor isn't the issue. I'm just a quiet kid in a room of loud ones. I guess I'm boring, eh? Also, no, I do not stick my penis in fish tacos.
Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML
Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML
Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML
Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML
Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML
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