Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML
Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML
Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML
Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML
Today, my dad came home and wanted to grab a glass. It wasn't in direct sight so he slammed the cupboard door so hard, I peed my pants. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML
Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML
Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's when you push him off the toilet and scream"Gandalf!" Trust me, he won't be mad or anything.
kimblie 15
at least he's an amusing drunk?
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Comments (112)
Welshite 40
That's when you push him off the toilet and scream"Gandalf!" Trust me, he won't be mad or anything.
deathtothepix 26
Or kick him off screaming "THIS IS SPARTA."
HowieDoIt 21
Khaaaaaan!!
Welshite 40
"Use the force, Luke." Edit: Oh, sorry. I thought we were just quoting random movies.
ElementaryEdGuy 18
19: That sounds fun! "Boo, you *****."
Enslaved 38
"Who is Keyser Söze?"
Zimmington 21
"I will NEVER forgive you"
shyeahh_fml 19
"BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?!"
8born8 18
Tell him someone is trying to steal his car or trying to tow it away.
8born8 18
"The pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon, the chalice with the palace has the brew that is true."
TheAbstract 15
...YOU SHALL NOT SHAVE!
nickn426 14
"Yippie Kai yay mother ******"
Siererrr 13
No, he doesn't need to shave! It is No-shave November! At least his dad has the right idea.
wolfgold2 20
"**** yourself asshole!" "I would if I could!"
Ambient25 25
^ the immaturity is strong in this one
WompWompWomp123 7
"Rosebud"
JoeGrant 12
"You're a dirty pirate hooker! Why don't you go back to your home on ***** island!" - The legend himself, Ron Burgundy
8born8 18
So, I'm guessing no one has seen the movie "The Court Jester" starring Danny Kaye? A comedy that doesn't rely on inuendo, sex, ethnicity or toilet humor to get cheap laughs.
Ambient25 25
Why? Why not just watch Monty Python...
SmuggletheBudgie 15
It's only a flesh wound.
Ambient25 25
*Tis only a flesh wound
BoltTheSuperdog 22
"Stupid is as stupid does!"
levention 18
alcoholism is a major problem
8born8 18
*thrusts pelvis* "Schwing!" If you don't know that movie, you're definately missing out.
DixieNormous007 4
Its No-Shave-November for deer season son, grow it out
kimblie 15
at least he's an amusing drunk?
CallMeWindSock 24
Maybe he's really into No-Shave November
Batterypost 23
It's actually called "Movember", and you're only supposed to keep the moustache. The goal is to raise prostate cancer awareness.
Zimmington 21
24- Actually you're talking about 2 completely different things. I have never even heard of "Movember"
Ambient25 25
Some men should never grow a moustache
mdcdeve 10
And some men can have a temporary moustache with the aid of a nearby women.
Ambient25 25
*a nearby woman
ItsATwinThing 9
#33 How can you not know about Movember it's everywhere!
Zimmington 21
Apparently it isn't "Everywhere" because that comment was my first time ever hearing that term
thehomied420 4
I have also never heard of it
gracehi 33
At least you didn't fall into a cavernous abyss immediately afterwards.
Pleonasm 36
But he did release one hell of a Balrog...
ElricMustang 23
Grab it and leave. I'm sure your drawer with your shaving equipment should be closer to you than the toilet. It's like a video game!
JACKxRAWR 22
But OP isn't allowed to shave, it's Movember dude! Gotta try and rock some facial hair.
ElricMustang 23
How could I forget? I'm actually doing it myself. In that case... DEAL WITH IT, OP
chocolatefrog28 29
How do you know he was definitely screaming at you? Maybe he was constipated.
Paradoxxxx 16
LOL this is one of the best comments I've ever read. Thank you for making my day :)
ahd94 21
Or had kidney stones
xarina 11
This made me laugh as much as the fml :) thank you!
saucyrossi 18
Well if you had to use the bathroom it would be YOU SHALL NOT PISS
skilova4lifezzz 19
Just crawl in screaming "MY PRECIOUS" and jump at him, it'll scare the shit out of him and the bathroom can be all yours.
cakefete2 31
Actually, there is likely no shit left to scare out, him being on the toilet and all.
thehomied420 4
Just imagining that is so funny
Lisee92 18
This is when you start taping, it sounds hysterical.
dawood_k 27
Maybe he was telling his shit shall not pass his anus... It's not all about you
emilycb93 12
Your father probably just wants you to participate in no-shave November
blackman100 20
Unless OP is female.
emilycb93 12
Girls can participate in no-shave November as well. Not as common, nor as attractive, but it still happens.
tsukikuiin 16
considering the male sign in the top corner of this FML. OP is a male anyhow.