Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML
Today, a friend sent me to a guy he knows who repairs various electronics for a very low price. Good news: he fixed my malfunctioning iPad. Bad news: it took me several hours to notice that he'd carved the words DOUCHE and HIPSTER into the back panel. FML
Today, I went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. I guess my mum didn't hear me, because as I entered, I heard her ranting to herself about her, "goddamn fucking Cheerios". I started to slowly back out, but I tripped over my own feet. She heard and yelled at me for "sneaking around". FML
Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML
Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my mother. Her idea of a birthday present to me is buying me a husband. Yes, buying. She told an asshat she found online about my trust fund, and now they're both trying to put together "the wedding of the millennium". She still doesn't understand why I'm mad. FML
mn_shr tells us more.
mn_shr 22
Hello everyone, OP here. I feel like I need to clear something up, and that's living in the Middle East does not mean I am from the Middle East. I repeat, not from Qatar. Also, Muslim or otherwise, Arab girls have the complete freedom to refuse marriage as they see fit. Not that there aren't exceptions to that, but for the most part girls are far more autonomous nowadays. To whoever looked up stuff on the internet, I'd like to say for a fact that it is 100% untrue. To clear up my situation, I'd like to point out I'm a very ritualistic person and my birthday means a lot to me. Seeing as my mother and I have never gotten along, and frankly don't like each other very much, her way to sabotage my birthday was to bribe this Sir Asshole McLoser to marry me. I've made my disinterest very clear so for those rooting that I give it a shot, please don't. I'm turning 23 and I think I'm going to wait a few years before considering resorting to arranged courtships and the like. Thanks for whoever wished me a happy birthday! P.S. Mr. Bastard, I've always had a thing for your sense of humor, I'm sure we could make something work.
Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML
Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML
Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML
Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML
Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML
Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML
Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML
Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator for well over an hour while riding it up to my weight and fitness class. Very funny, universe. FML
Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML
Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML
Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML
Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yeah, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML
Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML
Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML
Today, someone tried to steal my backpack from the hook on the bathroom stall. Good news: they were caught off-guard by how heavy it was and dropped it. Bad news: my foot is now broken from using it to cushion the backpack's fall. FML
way2go tells us more.
way2go 16
Op here... The only reason I saved the bag was for my laptop inside... If it were just my textbooks I wouldn't be in a boot right now. I would have let it fall. Some of these comments made me laugh though, at least something good could come out of this!
Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML
Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML
Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML
Today, I decided to try LSD with a few friends in a safe environment. As an artist, I had planned to spend my trip doing psychedelic paintings and had all my supplies set up. Apparently I spent most of my time in fetal position muttering about the "evil easel" and never even touched my canvas. FML
oldshitnewshit tells us more.
Looking at the comments I see we've got some seriously mixed opinions about me. So, first off: Hi, I'm Juniper, I'm 23 and I'm in art school in the US. I have never tried LSD or any other kind of "hardcore" drug before this. My friend had some tabs that he had used before and asked me if I wanted to try it. I agreed, only after doing extensive research, and determining that the risk was one I was willing to take. During that research, I stumbled across some beautiful works of people who had done art under the influence and thought perhaps I could have some fun trying that as well. I'm an art student and always open to new things. My parents were also hardcore hippies back in the day, and they've told me about their psychedelic experiences. I knew my risks. I have no plans to take LSD again, although I'm not currently suffering any adverse effects aside from water tasting kinda metallic for the next 24 hours (this took place about a week ago.) And the FML is actually not entirely true, but exaggerated for comedic effect. The paranoia and muttering did not last the entire time, only about 15-30 minutes. My entire trip lasted about 9-10 hours. One of my friends decided to remove the easel when she saw that it was making me upset. I think its large, angled presence in the room was off-putting. I actually spent the majority of my time having a good trip, my friends took great care of me. And despite not touching my canvas, I made some radical drawings. I did my research, I knew my risks, I set myself up responsibly. I'm not looking for sympathy or support– I just thought I'd share my kinda funny story. Those of you who are calling me an idiot are entitled to your opinions, but you're not insulting a wall. I'm a human being that makes choices for myself. Those of you who abstain from drugs, you should be proud! That's wonderful and healthy, but please allow and do not judge me for my own choices. My experimental phase is not harmful or offensive to you. And to my fellow art junkies: I wasn't expecting to create a masterpiece, this was for fun. I'm a learning artist!
Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML
Today, my dog got out of the house. I was running after him and remembered the old "pretend you're hurt" trick. I got on the ground, and cried out as if I was hurt. My dog just kept running. FML
WalnutGaming tells us more.
WalnutGaming 16
Hey guys. I did end up finding my dog. For those who said get a treat or meat, my dog would be way down the street by that time. My dog had stopped to "say Hi" to my neighbor and her dog. I used this method because my dog was trained to come to me when I lay down, but something made him run instead. In training meat was put on the ground and I was put on the ground and my dog chose me first over the meat. He is a good dog really, this is his first actual stunt hes pulled. Anyway, just thought it'd be nice to fill you guys in.
Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML
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