Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML
Burn the witch!
Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML
WTF mom?
Today, my mom is becoming a Wiccan, at least that’s the lie I told the neighbours when they demanded to know why my mom was smoking weed naked, waving charms around, and dancing amongst our trees. I actually have no idea what she was doing, and when she sobered up, she had no idea why she did it either. FML
Proselytizing
Today, my daughter came home from school crying hysterically. Apparently, her teacher is a vegan douchebag who told the whole class, "If your family eats meat, they're eating your future!" Now she screams when we eat meat. FML
Quack quack quack
Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML
Don't dead open inside
Today, my mom went on a rant about how insulin and other diabetic medications are evil western poisons, and that she can control her condition naturally on her own. That would be great, if she actually ate right and exercised instead of just using meditation to “think” herself healthy. FML
Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML
Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML
No way, young man!
Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Top comments
thehumanlyhuman 7
Poisoning your bodies with what? Protein? Sustenance? She doesn't have the right to force you to go vegetarian, OP! I'm guessing your family feels the same. Gang up on her, for lack of a better phrase.
LadyGamble420 6
one of us....one of us! sorry OP, sucks when other peoole impose thier will on other people.
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Comments (58)
LadyGamble420 6
one of us....one of us! sorry OP, sucks when other peoole impose thier will on other people.
Damian95 16
Bacon is NOT poison.
LowExpectations 30
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
Sports_guy3 28
Guess she hates meat...
haileyshelton 14
Yeah, I'm vegetarian because I want to be and would never force it on anyone. I don't even encourage it unless someone asks me to help them be one. Some people's bodies can handle it and no one should ever be forced into a lifestyle that's unhealthy for them or even just unwanted.
haileyshelton 14
*can't handle it
buttcramp 21
I used to be a vegetarian and I even hated all those ones who judge you. **** it. you do youuuur thing, I'm gonna do mine.
cryssycakesx3 23
everyone thinks I'm part vegetarian because my boyfriend makes me. it's partly true. I don't cook with meat anymore because it's silly to do so for just myself. our crazy, animal rights nut neighbor is always preaching vegetarianism to anyone that'll listen. it's like "god stfu lady."
falon142012 22
Part vegetarian? So…an omnivore like most people, then? Or do you mean part of the reason you're vegetarian is because of your boyfriend?
hessel 13
i wonder what kind of punishment she gives.
Robbieisadowg 16
K
macelonel 26
time to move out
thehumanlyhuman 7
Poisoning your bodies with what? Protein? Sustenance? She doesn't have the right to force you to go vegetarian, OP! I'm guessing your family feels the same. Gang up on her, for lack of a better phrase.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
Start binge drinking and eating nothing but steak! By the second day your mom will be ******* terrified of what you've become. You'll be the carnivore of the house, snarling and biting at all those weak, weak herbivores.
SmuggletheBudgie 15
Also does she realise that the amcient druids were incredibly brutal went to war and performed what we would now consider very grotesque rituals. Oh and the were definatley meat eaters.
cryssycakesx3 23
definitely* just for future reference
aniforprez 9
Being a vegetarian does not mean forgoing protein or sustenance. Been a vegetarian all my life and it's been pretty good. Helps that 70% of my country's cuisine is vegetarian. But yes, imposing your will on others is wrong and eating meat is your choice. IF she has a problem with it he can eat elsewhere but forcing them to forgo it entirely is impinging on your rights.
Sputnikspak 13
91 - I have so many people ask me what I do for protein in my vegetarian diet. >( There is protein in a billion things other than meat. It isn't cool to force your dietary ideals on others, though. My dog eats raw meat because he's a carnivore and that's what he needs. Vegans who try to make their cats vegan are crazypants. OP, I'd try to ride it out. If she's anything like my mother (who hitches on a fad diet for a month or so), next month it'll be Weight Watchers and you'll be back in pork chops in no time.
Irchell 17
Better start eating meat when your out of the house, that way you get your proteine and your mom stays happy! Hang in there anyway!
TanyaKJC 9
They can still get protein if they eat proper foods. Meat isn't the only thing with protein
Zimmington 21
But meat is the only protein with that juicy meaty flavor
DippinGrizzly907 27
Ahahaha 'Meat' The only protein with that "Juicy Meaty Flavor" :) Can't get it from those veggies no no no
Link5794 18
No, you sure can't.
thatonegirlnic 10
Sounds like the worst kind of a modern-day cult. One without bacon.
LowExpectations 30
Here's hoping for that "Kool-aid" at the end.
IworkAt711 14
36- A little harsh, don't you think?
Genociiide 15
#56 it's the internet.
ImTheAlpha 30
Modern druid? Is that like hippie with less rainbow tyedye/tiedye (don't know how it's spelled)? Does she do animal sacrifices and necromancy as well, or does she think "nature religions" like druidism or animism means not hurting anything because of its spirit?
caden_bro 9
I was thinking WoW Druid. This may be more reasonable.
monnanon 14
druids and pagans respect nature. that doesnt mean you cant kill things just no more than you need.
DippinGrizzly907 27
#51 You might be a gamer if you think of WoW when you hear the word Druid... No worries. I thought the same thing :) haha
Dswank620 18
I would suggest taking away the computer and all other means of accessing the internet from her, she may have been on it a little too much..
cryssycakesx3 23
how do those correlate?
cosicosei 22
Take it to the next extreme and say no more showering as our human bodies should be allowed to sit in their "natural" musk. Then go work out and spend all your time around her.
nopasanada 3
jajajaja shit...I would do that.
evan_7899 28
How does one go without steak, it just doesn't happen, or burgers ir hotdogs... sneak in the good stuff OP when mom isn't home
cryssycakesx3 23
it's really not that bad. you don't really miss meat and tofu and seitan is a good substitute.
evan_7899 28
I gagged reading that, meat can not be subsituted for any nasty tofu, and yes it is that bad because that includes tacos, burgers, hot dogs, fish, steak, and more
TanyaKJC 9
I'm vegetarian and can still have tacos and whatever else, for the most part. You'd be amazed how good some of it tastes. I'll admit, though...there are some things you just can't replicate :/
Zimmington 21
18- tofu is the worst thing humans ever created
cryssycakesx3 23
it's funny how close minded and judgemental people are. you must not have had tofu prepared correctly. it's good in a lot of Chinese dishes. they fry it with some sort of coating on it and it gets really crispy and similar to a piece of chicken. you know what should make you throw up, eating an animal that didn't have to die so you can eat it. not to mention the filthy pens but I'm not one of those anti meat people. meat eaters are as bad as the veg extremists. instead of having a respectable opinion you say shit like "omg Ew that's gross I threw up" I didn't finish reading that comment because it wasn't very intelligent sounding.
cryssycakesx3 23
@30 do you use morningstar products? some of those are very good. I like tacos with MS ground "meat" I'm not completely veg but my man is so I'm converting. the other day I made Tofurkey hot sausages with peppers and onions. it was just like a real sausage. I live in a Jewish neighborhood and the dunkin donuts is kosher and serves MS sausage and no one knows the difference. I still eat meat once in a while but I don't miss it and I've lost 50 pounds.
fatraptorjesus13 9
You either have never had tofu, never had it made well or only like meat because people tell you to. I'm not saying its the same, but I bet if you we're blindfolded and given real meat well prepared tofu you'd have a hard time telling the difference. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of things like steak that can't be replicated, just don't be so easy to dismiss something you probably tried once.
cryssycakesx3 23
I think it's a society thing. just say were gross and not try it. the Chinese places I go to make excellent tofu, better than the chicken. it's funny people absolutely hate it and are repulsed by it but never had it. I was like that until I tasted it.
IHaveThePower 18
You're not supposed to prepare tofu to be 'fake meat', that's probably why. Properly-made tofu is cooked and sauced to enhance the flavor already there. If you're just trying to make fake meat, it's going to taste bad, because tofu already has a great flavor. My mom makes amazing baked tofu--marinated, sqeeze the liquid, toss in cornstarch, bake. Works wonders. And Chinese tofu with sauce is great.
cryssycakesx3 23
lololol -5 because I like tofu. ignorant degenerates.
cryssycakesx3 23
I can't believe the stupidity.
xpokeloverx 6
Your comments have been filled with stupidity and you have the audacity to insult others?
doodlecloud 27
You've seriously got the cheek to call someone 'judgemental and close-minded' because they don't like a certain food? Wow. I'm a vegetarian and even I think tofu is disgusting (and yes, I've had it prepared properly and such). That doesn't mean you should stop liking it but, equally, you can't have a go at someone just for not liking it.
5destroyer35 20
"eating an animal that didnt have to die..." You do realize that the only reason those animals exist is to be eaten. If you deny them that, the animals have no purpose whatsoever, besides the disposal of large amounts of rather expensive feed. *Warning, Sarcasm* You vegetarians are taking away the souls of these animals essentially. *Sarcasm Over*
2074red2074 6
You do realize that the animals we eat are atrocities of nature, right? We created cows from natural species through selective breeding. They are terrible abominations that would die out instantly in the wild. They can't run, they sometimes don't have horns, they aren't smart or active enough, and are just overall not fit.
TanyaKJC 9
#80 I like morning star buffalo wings, chicken nuggets, the crumbles for tacos, etc. When I became a vege, I thought they were real meat products, just being written off as otherwise. I actually love that meat more than the real stuff. I like pastas and other foods. Being a vegetarian has made me learn to cook a lot more and I get better variety. I've been vege for around 5 years and love it. I won't lie, though...I do miss bacon and ham :/ those were the only 2 meats I actually enjoyed