Nearly FMLs

By sexless - 09/08/2016 14:39 - Australia - Perth

Today, having been single for a while, I decided to use my vibrator for some fun. Today, I also discovered that my rescue dog's anxiety is so severe that she will bark if I'm in another room without her for more than 5 seconds, and growls at anyone who goes near me. Good bye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 71

By iSadGirl - 09/08/2016 01:30 - United States - Northville

Today, I was babysitting 3 kids. One of them came up to me in my blind spot and cut off a large chunk of my hair off. Now I have long side bangs and a super short back, I look like a pokemon trainer.

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 127

By NoVanuatuForMe - 09/08/2016 01:06

Today I was meant to be in Vanuatu enjoying my 3 week holidays. It took me 3 hours to realize I was at the domestic airport not the international. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 177

By Denmar20 - 09/08/2016 00:19

Today, I went outside for a whole three minutes, only to come inside and find my dog with a paper fast food bag stuck on her head. She couldn't shake it off and I laughed so hard, it scared her, and now she won't come near me. It's been four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 119

By Slightly_Clumsy - 08/08/2016 23:47 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I forgot why you don't mix hot oil and hot water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 200

By ScarletSpirit - 08/08/2016 12:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument over, whether you say "they 'hung' up on me" or "they 'hanged' up on me" This argument has lasted the entire 9 mouths of our relationship and he still won't believe me that its 'hung' not 'hanged'.

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 08/08/2016 07:04 - United States - Crestline

Today, I was talking to my best friend on the phone. I really like him and I professed my love for him, spilling my heart out, only to discover that I had forgotten to un-mute my phone after I had muted it for a moment to prepare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 292

By missanon101 - 08/08/2016 04:39 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, while taking inventory in my photo studio, I grabbed a very large frame from a high shelf only to realize too late that there was a large spider resting there. I now have 6 broken frames, a broken shelf, big bruise on my forehead, and a lot of explaining to do. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 129

By anonymous - 08/08/2016 04:08 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was supposed to be able to access my new schedule for school. I can't get to my account because the district changed the password and the only way to get it is to check my district email. I can't log in to the email to get my new password because the password was changed to the new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 100

By heyheysra - 08/08/2016 04:05

Today, for the first time in months a guy hit on me by saying "Hey, I got a condom in my wallet. Want to make balloon animals with me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 87

By dazedNbroken - 08/08/2016 03:43 - United States - Muskegon

Today, I awoke to find my car broken into. They caused $400 in damage to steal less than $5 in change. They left my GPS, air compressor, credit cards, and CDs. The responding officer pointed out to me, "They didn't steal your cigs!?" Apparently, the thief doesn't share my taste in music or cigs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 70

By Dj - 08/08/2016 03:12 - United States - Freehold

Today I was out with a few friends and we decided to get high. We had weed but nowhere to go so we decided I should roll the blunts at the local trainstation. While I was there a train passed and caused three grams of weed to blow away in the wind. Now I'm out of weed, and feel like a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 571

By Problems712 - 08/08/2016 02:33 - United States - Carol Stream

Today, I found out that my best friend is going to a wedding with my ex-boyfriend. I was in a foreign country when she texted me, so I couldn't exactly talk to her face to face about it. To top it all off the wedding is tomorrow so I won't even get a chance to talk to her about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 104

By ilykbaglz - 07/08/2016 22:33

Today, I was walking to the store and a guy started to follow me. I walked faster and so did he. I started to make a run for it. I got in the store and out of breath the guy comes in. Turns out he was just trying to give me back my wallet i had dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 164

By TexanZaros - 07/08/2016 21:03 - United States - La Vernia

Today, while about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time in months due to being overseas, I discovered my nephew, had opened and blew up all of my condoms, thinking they were balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 90

By wishing I'd gone to work for my dad instead - 07/08/2016 21:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, at work a woman reported me to the manager for selling her husband a chicken sandwich and therefore helping him to cheat on his diet. Not only do I not know who her husband is, I work in a sandwich shop, selling sandwiches to people is what I'm supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 67

By Anonymous - 07/08/2016 20:58 - United States - Atlanta

Today I burned my arm while cooking. I had an allergic reaction to the band-aid I put on it, so now I have a burn and a rash and can't bandage either of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 61

By hellapathetic - 07/08/2016 10:14 - United States - Woodland

Today, I became extremely emotionally distraught and even cried over the wellbeing of someone I knew who had been under a massive amount of stress lately. Normally this would be forgivable, had the person not been a character from a videogame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 140

By awkward - 07/08/2016 06:59

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to find a secluded spot in the woods to have some fun. We found what we thought was a good spot, but as we were fumbling around naked, two people walked past, gave us a cheery 'morning!' and carried on walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 135

By george3363 - 07/08/2016 06:20 - United States - Mesa

Today, I was playing with my dog, and he put his claw into my eye. it scratched my cornia, and I have to wear an eyepatch for the next 10 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 73

By Mr Broken Back - 07/08/2016 04:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today after visiting the chiropractor , he advised me to see the doctors for an x-ray as for why my back has been sore for the past few years after a motocross accident. The doctor told me I had a broken back after the accident. No one bothered to tell me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 65

By Don't Want a Ring On It - 05/08/2016 21:06

Today, I had to be the one to leave my fiancé. He thinks I'm the bad guy, and I'm at fault. His addiction(s) and irrational crazy behavioral issues couldn't possibly be the reasons. So glad I racked up a therapy bill to figure out really I'm fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 267

By speedfreak1022 - 05/08/2016 20:49 - United States - West Springfield

Today, I was told to work 2nd and 3rd shift. Why? Because I was "too young" to go to an office party at 3rd shift where there will be alcohol. Im 21 and have worked here for 3 years. They just forgot my birthday 3 days ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 97

By mudge - 05/08/2016 20:31

Today, after getting involved with a cool group of people that subsequently has my crush in it, I asked if I could go out with them to eat. They said yes, but then told me there wasn't enough room in the two available cars. they just passed me, and I saw two open seats in one of their jeeps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 102

By cdnchk01 - 05/08/2016 20:23 - Canada - Burlington

Today I got engaged. I'm an organised person so I'm not stressed at all. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is a 'momzilla' and loosing sleep worrying about details. Pretty sure I'm the one planning the wedding and doing the work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 87

By anon - 05/08/2016 20:13

Today, my husband forgot his house keys at a job site and his boss said he'd give them back tomorrow. He called me to tell me that 1. our house is very easy to break into, 2. my dog is a horrible guard dog and 3. she peed all over him! FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 85

By anonymous - 05/08/2016 20:09 - United States - Absecon

Today, I was on my way to work and my car broke down a mile down, So I walked back home to get my other car just to remember that my wife is using it because she's at work. So I hop on my bike knowing that my work is 15 miles away. I finally get 2 miles away and I run over glass popping my tires.FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 85

By pika pika chu - 05/08/2016 19:58

Today, a month ago my mum thought me playing Pokemon go was a waste of time, then she started playing it on my phone so she wouldn't have to use her data, now today I missed 4 important phone calls from my boss because she secretly took my phone and spent all day catching Pokemon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 61

By sleeping log - 05/08/2016 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a part time job that I really needed and worked around my college schedule! I was up late and made sure to set three different alarms, too bad I slept through the first and none of the others went off because my alarm was "going off" but made no noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 105

By ElviraIsStillHotTho - 05/08/2016 19:12 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my sex life is so unfulfilling that even when I had a dream last night about getting naughty with a long-time celebrity crush, it was a bland and disappointing experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 70

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The Top

Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 410

You deserved it 3 626

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 490

You deserved it 21 846

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 778

You deserved it 2 255

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 972

You deserved it 1 268

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 709

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 057

You deserved it 3 082