Nearly FML

By faily_tales - 31/07/2016 01:52 - United States

Today, I was sitting outside of a friend's house for the first time, and I glanced through the window and noticed they had a cat. In my excitement to pet it, I ran toward the house and ran smack into a screen door. I bounced off and sent the entire screen crashing to the floor. FML

agreeclassic 736

vote type 1 210

By youajerkdumbfuck - 31/07/2016 01:07 - United States - Fair Oaks

Today I was playing with my 4 year old cousin. She walks over to me sitting on the couch and says why do you have these like a girl (pointing at my chest). She called out my man boobs in front of the family. Everyone broke out in laughter. FML

agreeclassic 791

vote type 1 89

By Indiana - 30/07/2016 08:42

Today, we had an intervention for my mother who is a drug addict and who has been stealing money from me. She has now disowned me and everyone involved but still expects me to give her money to feed her habit. FML

agreeclassic 1 078

vote type 1 112

By ratedFforfriendzone - 30/07/2016 07:32 - United States

Today, I finally got asked to the movies by the guy that I like, the movie was great, so was the drive, but the other woman who got in the car who he happened to take home with him after dropping me off? Not so great. FML

agreeclassic 910

vote type 1 75

By MushyKetchup - 30/07/2016 06:48

Today, I decided to cook a nice dinner for my family, even though we'd planned on just going out for fast food. Upon finishing, my brother walked in the kitchen, commented there wasn't enough cheese, and then asked what was wrong with me when I suggested he grate some more himself. FML

agreeclassic 757

vote type 1 88

By AnonymousBikini - 30/07/2016 02:50 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was at the beach, wearing a brand new bikini. Feeling good about myself, I walked with a spring in my step. Until I noticed the two high schoolers following me with cameras and shit eating grins, that is. FML

agreeclassic 846

vote type 1 75

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 02:02 - United States - Chicago

Today, after many hours of driving I finally got to my motel. I specifically requested a non-smoking room, when I got there the room reeked of cigarettes and the walls were stained from the smoke. I have to drive to another town to get to a different hotel, and I'm out of $100. FML

agreeclassic 737

vote type 1 89

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 01:56 - United States - Maineville

Today, I'm 37 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend thought catching Pokemon and getting drunk was more fun than my doctors appointment. In result, a nurse had to hold my hand while I held back tears when the doctor stuck his whole hand up my vagina during my pelvic exam. FML

agreeclassic 867

vote type 1 65

By SassacreMassacre - 30/07/2016 01:52

Today, I learned my father cares more about going to his friends housewarming, than buying me food to eat. FML

agreeclassic 630

vote type 1 98

By ow - 30/07/2016 01:49

Today, I have a very painful pimple on my butt which makes sitting down for extended periods hurt. Normally this wouldn't be a problem at my cashiering job, but today they decided I need to spend all day sitting at a computer completing new safety training. FML

agreeclassic 683

vote type 1 73

By Dmeijer87 - 30/07/2016 01:45

Today, i am married to the girl of my dreams for a year. That's also the last time we had sex. FML

agreeclassic 729

vote type 1 64

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 01:33

Today my boyfriend of 8 years can home after work, walked through the door and said "raise your hand if you're in a relationship." Thinking it was a game, I raised my hand. He slapped it down, said "No you're not" and walked out. FML.

agreeclassic 917

vote type 1 64

By al - 30/07/2016 01:02

Today, my dad bought me a pride shirt. Wouldn't be weird if I were out. FML.

agreeclassic 545

vote type 1 71

By Malikir - 30/07/2016 00:59 - United States - Southport

Today, I was working at the local grocery store until 12:00 AM. A woman comes in at 11:50 and tries to buy 3 cases of beer. She is intoxicated and hopes on my coneyor belt and tries to sleep. I try to get her up but can't touch her to wake her. We call the cops and I leave at 1:00 AM. FML

agreeclassic 614

vote type 1 64

By moonshinegurl77 - 30/07/2016 00:53

Today, it hasn't even been a month at my new job. I have jammed my finger so hard I had to get an x-ray, I locked my keys in my car, and I've managed two days with no lunch. FML

agreeclassic 542

vote type 1 75

By unlucky - 30/07/2016 00:51 - United States - Rockport

Today, I found out that the reason I have been sick since getting my wisdom teeth out is that I had double dry socket and the intense pain causes nausea. It's been 6 days of this hell. FML.

agreeclassic 537

vote type 1 53

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 00:50

Today, I spent 10 hours on my feet in a hot warehouse, so I decided to take a cool bath once I got home. My cat decided to jump onto the edge of the tub to see what I was doing. She fell in. Between my legs. FML

agreeclassic 574

vote type 1 51

By Blurb - 30/07/2016 00:45 - United States - Dayton

Today I went on a bike ride with a new friend. I usually stay home, but I made myself go. We were riding down the path chatting, while some guy comes from the opposite direction and deliberately almost hits me head on in the middle of the path and yells at me. Now I remember why I stay home. FML

agreeclassic 502

vote type 1 47

By band geek:/ - 30/07/2016 00:35 - United States - Spring

Today, I had my first day ever of band camp, and I put my shorts on inside out. I didn't notice until a drum major pointed it out in front of the entire 380 person band. FML

agreeclassic 508

vote type 1 73

By thePUNishersans - 30/07/2016 00:34 - United States - Missoula

Today one of my employees was playing a game on his phone. It wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been kill your boss. FML.

agreeclassic 509

vote type 1 55

By Lalatrent - 30/07/2016 00:29

Today I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me with his ex for 6 months. He finally confessed it to me after my gyno told me that I had herpes (also today). Then, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work. I also forgot my cup of coffee at home. What are the odds. FML.

agreeclassic 642

vote type 1 46

By L. Starr - 30/07/2016 00:12 - United States

Today, I yawned and my mom's boyfriend put his finger in my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 539

vote type 1 55

By Fluffypig - 30/07/2016 00:11

Today, my mom called me the human trash can and preceded to hand me all her food that she couldn't finish. Now my whole family calls me that and expects me to finish any leftovers. FML

agreeclassic 490

vote type 1 55

By seriouslyfml - 30/07/2016 00:08 - United States - Olympia

Today, because I was manipulated into giving my ex custodial parent two years ago and after a ton of lies, he was able to take custody and move my son across the country. FML

agreeclassic 524

vote type 1 61

By Fluffypig - 30/07/2016 00:05

Today, after accidentally throwing away a sheet of paper cleaning my back pack, my teacher yelled at me in front of the entire class for having a horrible work ethic, and that I'm really stupid. The whole class stared at me during this. FML

agreeclassic 442

vote type 1 49

By SoraMom - 30/07/2016 00:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today I finally got off crutches from when I broke my leg. I realized I needed to do laundry so I went to take it downstairs. I stepped on a hotwheel at the top of the stairs and fell the rest of the way down. Now I have a broken arm. FML

agreeclassic 502

vote type 1 47

By MaggieMay - 30/07/2016 00:00

Today, I went to work with the huge cold sore that blew up my lips. Now my coworkers quack at me and call me on the register phone just to say "Affleck" and hang up. FML!

agreeclassic 407

vote type 1 39

By Not An Alcoholic - 29/07/2016 23:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after recently becoming of age, my mum asked if I'd had any alcohol yet at college. I said I tried one vodka raspberry, received a lecture on the effects of hard liquor ending in praising my best friend for not drinking, the same friend I put to bed twice last week after she had too much. FML

agreeclassic 464

vote type 1 36

By Pussyslayer666 - 29/07/2016 23:47 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I got my first French kiss. I got it from my dog. FML

agreeclassic 392

vote type 1 53

By kat2943 - 29/07/2016 23:46 - United States - Hialeah

Today, for the 4th time this month, my cat peed on me while I was napping. Fml.

agreeclassic 400

vote type 1 36

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Today, I got scammed and lost thousands of dollars, but my best friend would rather post on Instagram than reply to my texts. FML

agreeclassic 522

vote type 1 841

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

agreeclassic 24 136

vote type 1 3 918

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

agreeclassic 41 285

vote type 1 10 228

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

agreeclassic 8 903

vote type 1 973

Today, I witnessed a man die from a heart attack. When I told my dad later, he said "Lose some weight or you'll be next." FML

agreeclassic 25 275

vote type 1 5 374

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

agreeclassic 35 987

vote type 1 4 815