Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

by brokennose / 08/26/2009 at 12:40am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

by Raaar / 08/26/2009 at 12:29am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

by offendedfemme / 08/25/2009 at 10:16pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2009 at 8:52pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2009 at 5:14pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

by Cossack_Man / 08/25/2009 at 4:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2009 at 1:03pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

by ElevatorThug / 08/25/2009 at 5:17am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

by damnit / 08/25/2009 at 2:44am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why my 5 year old son's teacher acts so awkward around me. My son told everyone in his class that I work as a stripper. I'm not a stripper, I work at the strip mall. FML

by Stripperofthemall / 08/25/2009 at 2:32am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

by singlesoon / 08/25/2009 at 12:26am / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

by embarassed_chick / 08/24/2009 at 3:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

by NoThanks / 08/24/2009 at 2:38pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous