Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

by RingofFire / 06/03/2016 at 7:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

by Fish Breath / 06/03/2016 at 6:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

by Revelyn / 06/03/2016 at 6:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

by Arachnaphobe / 06/03/2016 at 6:14pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2016 at 3:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I dropped my daughter off at a concert where she was performing and went to look for parking. I got caught in freak traffic and it took me an hour to get back there. I missed her act. FML

by RoseRodent / 06/03/2016 at 1:58pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

by Dixienornous / 06/03/2016 at 7:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

by KiwiMaid / 06/03/2016 at 6:31am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

by Cinnanyan / 06/02/2016 at 6:20am / Philippines (Quezon City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

by Daddy / 06/02/2016 at 4:04am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

by LaughingFML / 06/01/2016 at 5:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2016 at 12:21pm / India (Maharashtra) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

by EyesofStone / 05/31/2016 at 9:03pm / United States / Miscellaneous