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By wellthisisbad / Monday 29 February 2016 12:27 / United States - Boynton Beach
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By  musdesimd  |  18

For not wanting children, youd think youd use double protection, ydi

By  CaptainHonor  |  15

There's always adoption.

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By  jakers8424  |  18

Ever heard of a condom?

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  Ashd09  |  30

11 That's why you double up if you don't want children. Condoms and the pill or the Nuva ring or something. And to the OP, if you're that against children I would recommend getting your tubes tied or your husband having a vasectomy to avoid this in the future. I'd also recommend putting the child up for adoption for the benifit of you and the baby. Aside from that all I can say is YDI for not being more careful if you hate children that much.

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Maybe her husband DID get a vasectomy and they therefore assumed they didn't need birth control anymore; they can fail, you know. I can think of a LOT of different combinations that could lead to someone getting pregnant despite doing their best to avoid it.

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  pheonyx93  |  2

#29, I've asked about getting my tubes tied because my husband and I don't want children and are aware birth control fails, the doctor said that no one will tie my tubes without a medical reason unless I have at least two kids and I'm around 30 years of age. I'm trying to get a second opinion but she might have dealt with a doctor who said something like that too

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  JCX2  |  23

Birth control fails. Not everyone can take hormonal birth control. It is damn near impossible to find a doctor who will tie tubes before a woman is 30 and or has kids, without a medical reason.

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I think that is the ridiculous part, they often deny the tube tying procedure because it's difficult to reverse if the person changes their mind. However, if a woman wants her tubes tied as a way of preventing pregnancy, whether she wants/has children or not is irrelevant. That's her personal life and a doctor shouldn't be able to say "no you can't have this perfectly valid form of contraception because you haven't had kids yet and might change your mind." That isn't right, they shouldn't have control over a person's personal life like that, and be able to deny a valid medical procedure that someone is requesting, unless it's a serious danger to their health. A man can get a vasectomy at anytime with no issues. My boyfriend was 22, didn't want kids, and was preparing to get one done before he met me and decided not to. But if I inquired about getting my tubes tied at this age, there's no way.

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  imStoneCold  |  7

@11 Actually, doubling up has been proven to be worse than one.

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  stemy1978  |  6

Actually no most Dr's prefer men to also be of a certain age and to have kids before they will perform a vasectomy, my husband was 28 and we have 2 kids. His dr was very hesitant on doing it seeing as he was still quite young.

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  Kiernan151  |  25

i would definitely ask a second person about that 74. My mom had her tubes tied at the age of 20, so it is very possible to get it done before 3 kids and at the age of 30.

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#167 But did he get approved and get it done though? Because for women it isn't just that the dr is hesitant, they are almost always denied, and if they truly want it, they have to jump through hoops, be demanding and fight for years sometimes. Even still, that wasn't my point exactly, my main issue is that this is a viable medical procedure, and Drs should not be able to deny it because of someone's personal life/decisions doesn't fit in the "norm," and they could change their minds. Unless it is going to seriously effect the person's health. That goes for both men and women, if a man wants a vasectomy, he should be able to get a vasectomy, if a woman wants her tubes tied, she should be able to get her tubes tied.

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  llama612  |  27

To 134. It's also because the female version has more risks. That's why it's usually recommended for the husband or boyfriend to get it done and it's easier to reverse a vasectomy. More than likely doctors have come across many women who had their tubes tied to early and then ended up changing their mind. I understand the point you are making but when so many doctors have the same opinion there is usually a pretty decent reason for it.

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  deloria_fml  |  22

You have no idea how difficult it is for women to get permanent birth control unless they already have kids, are menopausal or literally have cancer. The govt seems to think it owns women's bodies and that we're not capable of making informed decisions about them ourselves, whereas men can get vasectomies for any reason at any age. I have PCOS, endo, adeno and EDS (which makes pregnancies super dangerous) and I still can't find a doctor who will give me a hysterectomy or an oophorectomy because I'm only 24, even though I definitely don't want kids and have had multiple miscarriages due to spontaneous ovulation (this arises through the aforementioned diseases, and I've even gotten pregnant while on two implanon implants and depo simultaneously - birth control can fail especially if there are underlying conditions).

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  TabooSushi  |  24

And then there are people like my mother, who DID double up and still got pregnant. Three times. BC isn't 100% you know. Sometimes you're just unlucky and it fails.

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#230 That's not for the doctors to decide though, it doesn't matter if a person "might" change their mind, which for people that don't want kids, doesn't usually happen. If someone wants a procedure on THEIR body for contraception purposes, that's their call. The Dr can say "hey, you might regret this later," but to deny it completely based on their own feelings, is controlling someone with something they have no right to have control over. I'm sorry but a woman's own contraception is completely under her own control, no matter what the procedure is. We get criticized for not being safe, but then when we want to get a viable contraception method, we're denied, how does that make any sense?? Other people don't get a say in this, unless it will actually hurt the woman. And the excuse "well the procedure has risks," is not a valid one, because every procedure has risks. Also, tubal ligation is not as serious as people think, and has a lot of similarities to a vasectomy's risks. Both are considered permanent. You go home in the same day for both procedures. There's some soreness and you need to be careful with the incision. Your stomach will be distended for a little bit from pumping you with gas so they can get at your organs better during the surgery (gall bladder procedures do this too, which is considered one of the safest medical procedures), and also slight vaginal bleeding. After risks include infection, complications due to a mistake in the surgery itself, ectopic pregnancy can happen, but for women, they can get this at anytime. The tubes growing back, and sometimes constant pain from the implants, which is then fixed by removing the implants. Vasectomy risks include, bleeding under the skin, which may cause swelling or bruising, infection at the site of the incision. Sperm leaking from a vas deferens into the tissue around it and forming a small lump. Inflammation of the tubes that move sperm from the testicles, and the vas deferens growing back together. Tubal ligation doesn't necessarily come with more risks than a vasectomy, and if it did, that isn't a good enough reason to deny it either, as whether the benefits out way the risks is up to the patient.

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If he did get a vasectomy they wouldn't have gotten pregnant unless the procedure was royally fucked. She also is so far along in be pregnancy that she can't have an abortion, that means she neglected the signs of pregnancy or is one of the few people that should be on the "I didn't know I was pregnant" show because she didn't have the normal signs. The most common thing is that she was taking birth control thinking she didn't need condoms, switched birth controls or missed days and bad luck ensued without condoms. Either way, for their life and the babies life adoption is the way to go for happier lives. She and her husband both played a part in this luck, whether it's missing pills, ignored birth control options, not getting semi permanent solutions like a vasectomy, and the only thing that's not their fault is that doctors think they have the right to decline a woman her right to controlling her body. This is a hilarious fml just based on irony alone, and I do feel for them because if they have this baby and they hate children none of them will be happy.

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  fiicere  |  5

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  light_specks  |  3

That reasoning is beyond paternalistic. Plenty of medical procedures come with danger, and I'm sure many are regretted. Why can't we trust women to make their own freaking medical choices, the way we do with men, and the way we do with non-reproductive procedures? Furthermore, why are we ok with plastic surgeries and boob jobs and whatever other crap, despite potential for regrets, but when it comes to reproduction (sterilizations or abortions), we find it acceptable to tell women what they will and will not regret, and what they should and should not do?

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  marinkidink13  |  12

It's their job they get paid for it. It's not like you're asking them for some huge favor. It does count as their personal life still. Same thing as someone refusing a certain treatment. It's the patients decision on what they do with their body. Doctors don't have a right to impose their personal feelings about permanent contraception on someone else. The only exception is a religious hospital with their values clearly stated to each patient that comes in.

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  Rabite  |  23

Yeah, the reason is called "prejudice". When I asked several doctors they shut down the conversation with "No, you are a spring chicken.", "You will change your mind because all women do.", "If you don't want children, you didn't find Mr. Right, yet.". They are all medical professionals.

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  llama612  |  27

Except as many others have pointed out from their own stories many many times people DO change their minds. Hell I knew a guy who was super dead set against ever ever having kids. One day he held a friends baby son and it all changed for him. Couple years later him and his fiancé have a baby girl together. So I'm sorry but it's pretty silly to say people who don't want kids never change their mind. Doctors more than anyone would know this. Some people are of course never going to change their mind but since doctors actually won't do the procedure, it's a pretty safe bet to make that a decent majority of people who have had it done regret it later. Also as others have pointed out the female version is an invasive surgery and in most surgeries like that there is increased risks compared to the more simpler male version. Also you have forgotten one important thing, doctors don't want to be sued. Can you imagine how many lawsuits they would get if they did these procedures to early and the person changes their mind but can't have kids now because something went wrong or it can't be reversed for some reason? They may not lose the lawsuit but that will still infer costs they don't need and waste their time, not to mention the lawsuits that could come if something goes wrong and suddenly the family is suing saying why did this doctor do this procedure that wasn't needed and now our daughter is really sick, again the doctor will probs win the case but it's still time and money they have lost. There is obviously a reason doctors aka the professionals who know more than you and me, don't do this procedure for the reasons they state. You have your opinion whereas the doctors you know have all the facts and knowledge. Now as I said I understand your point and I admit doctors aren't always correct, but in this situation they more than likely are. Not to mention if someone truly truly doesn't want kids and think this is the best option they will push and push the issue until a doctor finally says yes. Now this is all my own opinion and you have yours, I just believe that a lot of people who say they don't want kids or hate kids do end up changing their minds, not all. But more than you seem willing to want to admit too since seems you think no one changes their mind. Oh also as others have pointed out it seems also young men can't get the procedure that easily either. But again you have your opinion I have mine.

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  Rabite  |  23

So what about the people with children who change their minds? Even if you change your mind regarding sterilization you can still adopt or use in vitro fertilization. But try to get rid of your children after a couple of years..

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  JustinJK  |  21

I'm not wearing condoms when I get married. That's a perk of marriage. However, if they didn't want children they should have pursued more serious procedures.

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  0to100rq  |  6

A coat hanger or some other kitchen utensil could work too so they could fix their accident.

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  myshinynose  |  11

#83 I identify more as pro-choice but fuck you for being such a savage creature. You give those who believe women have the right to decide what to do with their own bodies a horrific name. Fuck you again.

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  RnLaLa  |  6

Getting fixed is easier said than done for both genders. If you are young or don't already have kids, docs think you'll regret it later in life and refuse to do the procedure.

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  ladycoco8  |  20

I'm like 90% sure doctors can't refuse something unless it risks your health. And even then, some will still do it.

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  RnLaLa  |  6

Doctors can and do refuse since it's an elective procedure. Just google "tubal ligation under 30." I also have a male friend who had to go to several doctors before finding one who would perform a vasectomy.

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  xx000o  |  27

Looks like it's time for a serious change in both of your attitudes, or the next 18 years will be absolute hell for all of you. No telling how fucked up your kid will end up, then he/she can have another generation of fucked up kids.

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  Kiernan151  |  25

Having your tubes tied or a vasectomy can be hard, especially at a young age, but its definitely possible. My mum had hers done at 20, she had to go to about 10 different doctors before she found one that would do it, but she found one.

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  rebeccacmlc  |  22

#210 you are so absolutely narrow minded. First of all, personally I don't want kids, I loathe, despise those creatures, except very well behaved ones and children of people I know, and despite that I'm extremely good with children and they always love me. I can sort of relate to OP, I definitely never want kids. But I also know, and so would you if you had a minimum of reflection upon the subject, that during a pregnancy, hormones take over. And often during pregnancy, people begin to love their unborn child. Even at birth, it can affect a person in a way they never thought of. Second, they can always put the baby up for adoption so that couples who can't have children can love a child of their own. And saying they'll be fucked up, what on earth ? Maybe you're fucked up, maybe you're not, you don't judge people you don't know. OP is probably a very honest, down to earth person, and this wasn't expected because it was never wanted, but things can change, and if not I think OP will do what's best for the child.

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It will only be "fucked up" if it grows up in an environment being hated by its parents. Best bet is adoption and, to prevent more unwanted children in your sexually active relationship, vasectomy or tubal ligation. It's unfortunate you have to give birth to a child you don't want, but it's definitely your fault, OP.

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For the love of all that is sugar and spice and all that sappy crap, I 'beg' of you, give the baby up for adoption!!  My mother managed to end up married to a man she says she never cared about, because she got pregnant.  15 months after having my brother, she had me... My brother and I grew up knowing we were "mistakes"...turns out...he was the "mistake", I was 'the worse case scenerio'; "I wasn't suppose to be able to get pregnant while breastfeed

By  kayayye  |  22

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By  CaptainHonor  |  15

There's always adoption.

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  GrapeJuice67  |  17

OP, you might as well go with that option, it's for the best, and there are people out there who do want children. Be more careful next time, double up! Or as other comments have suggested, look into having your tubes tied, Husband get vasectomy, etc.

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  Vanderdale  |  8

There's many more children out there needing adoption then there are people willing to adopt. Besides, adoption doesn't solve the issue of not wanting to be pregnant. My sincerest sympathies OP, the thought of pregnancy and having children is utterly terrifying to me. If I found myself pregnant (god forbid) I'd be at an abortion clinic so fast I'll have given myself whiplash.

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  PDSot  |  21

it's still better than raising a child that u will resent. some people arent cut out to be parents and thats fine but the child doesnt deserve abuse (mental or any other kind)

By  musdesimd  |  18

For not wanting children, youd think youd use double protection, ydi

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  ourtneyc  |  14

I don't think it's a YDI because not all protection works. my mother had her tubes tied which is supposed to be 99.9% effective yet she had me anyway (so yes I am a 0.1%) So birth control very well could have failed OP.

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  dafluckster  |  6

Why should he? She could get her tubes tied. How is it always on the man?

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  HighasaCloud  |  46

#214 - Tying tubes is invasive surgery into the abdominal cavity and a vasectomy is a small incision into the back of the scrotum. However, most people ignore the fact that males produce sperm throughout their lifetimes and a vasectomy often causes men discomfort way longer than just the initial snip.

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  Kittyphysics  |  21

I was told by doctors that I was barren. 7 years later, with no prior incident, I also became pregnant. it's likely that there is more to this story, as she didn't discover her pregnancy till after the first trimester, at least.

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  rebeccacmlc  |  22

Double protection as in condom and something else yes, but sadly not all women can take contraceptive pills and such. Personally I can't take the pill and other hormone based contraception should be avoided because I have varicose veins and it's super bad for me. I don't think OP and her partner are stupid, if you don't want kids you take necessary precautions.

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  mylsux  |  15

Double protection would result in the condom to break bc of the friction

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  bapbap_fml  |  15

A vasectomy is a simple non-evasive procedure done under local anesthetic. A tubal ligation is a much more complicated and evasive procedure under general anesthetic with significantly higher risks.

By  vikky538  |  28

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  zeffra13  |  30

Some people just do not want them. Doesn't change just because you're in a relationship. Usually when that changes is because they were a "I never want to settle down/give up my me time" type but there's also the "I want to settle down but can't fathom a kid in the picture / don't think I'm capable of raising a kid / just don't like kids" types.

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  bapbap_fml  |  15

If someone's opinions on major life decisions change drastically just because they are in a relationship they sound pretty weak-willed. I can see being undecided on having kids and then wanting them, but if you're dead-set against it you rarely change your mind. Plenty of people do not want kids, and a relationship usually does not change that.

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  Brandi_Faith  |  33

My aunt never wanted children and her husband was going to go get fixed, he didn't for some reason and about 10-15 years later they completely changed their minds and wanted children. They had 2 kids and are actually some of the best parents I've ever seen. I'm not saying that it's likely that people (or op) will change their minds. But I am saying that it does happen. There is a chance that op will fall in love with this child as it grows or when she holds it for the first time, but she also may not. I'd say to go ahead and plan to give it up for adoption. If something changes then you can always deal with that as it comes, but best to start your plan now. There are plenty of parents out there that are dying to have children and yours could make someone extremely happy. Good luck op.

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Children are fucking terrible cretins. That doesn't mean people can't love them. It just means they're terrible fucking cretins. Now imagine not wanting kids ALONG with kids being terrible fucking cretins. That's when she gets messed up, children aren't "bad" no, but ya know what is? Shit people saying "grow up its your kid raise it" when raising a kid you don't want and resenting them for it will just make them so fucked up and in pain their whole life. Not saying this is you, just arguing that regardless of how YOU think of children, not everyone agrees with you. Because I love the idea of having kids, but that doesn't change the fact that they're terrible fucking cretins.

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Yeah but 15 years of not having kids and being in a relationship is completely different than having a kid and only liking it 20+ years later. Everyone's different, and you're completely right people change and they should be prepared. The best thing for the kiddo is to not grow up in a resentful home, that's all, whether that's with the op or with a new family doesn't really matter as long as whoever it is loves them, :)

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  Brandi_Faith  |  33

Completely agree #320. As I said in my comment, it's possible that she may change her mind, other people (like my aunt) certainly have. But it's best not to bank on that. Op should plan for adoption and if by chance she changes her mind, then they can deal with that later, but as of right now it's sounds like they really don't want kids so it's best to give it up. As long as this baby is loved that's all that matters, and it sounds like it would be loved most (in this case) by someone else.

By  bloodykid  |  8

condom doesn't guarantee 100% protection idiots

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  deathrise007  |  22

Look. You're right, abstinence is the only 100% way to percent pregnancy. But this comment was completely unnecessary. Maybe OP had a condom and it broke. There isn't enough detail to really put the blame on OP. Think before you speak.

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  MandieL  |  27

How can you not out the blame on OP? It is both her's and her husbands fault, but in my opinion, more so hers. Yes, the condom may have broke, but what kind of birth control is OP using? How did they not notice the if the condom broke and gotten Plan B. Why is she not paying more attention to her body, it happens yes, but it's pretty unusual to not know something is up before you are 20 weeks pregnant. Tender boobs, random nausea, 4 missed periods, and a plethora of other potential clues. For myself, I am dead set against abortion for my own personal reasons (no I have never had one), but I am Pro-Choice. If they were so dead set against children, then she should have been paying closer attention to avoid this. OP, I really hope you do the right thing, whatever is best for you and your husband. Whether that is putting the child up for adoption, babies usually get scooped up pretty fast, or raising the child yourselves. You never know, being pregnant and having the baby might change your mind about your own child. I know people who dispose children, but love their own. If you do choose to keep it for you to raise though, please don't ever put the blame on the child. It is not their fault, and it deserves to have a good loving upbringing. Good Luck.

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"How can you not put the blame on OP?" Because having a child takes two, and as such, birth control is the responsibility of BOTH parties involved. Saying it's a woman's fault for getting pregnant is outdated and sexist thinking, and saying it's her fault for not noticing is assuming that there was anything out of the ordinary for her to notice. And we all know what happens when we assume...

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Maybe she DID pay attention to her body but the possibility of her being pregnant never entered her mind because she was on birth control. Not all women have regular periods anyway, with some methods of birth control it's considered to be normal to have light bleeding or none at all, AND women can experience bleeding during pregnancy. The other symptoms could be easily explained by a stomach bug or the flu. She even could've gone to a doctor who probably would've asked her if could be pregnant, gotten a negative answer (since she was on birth control) and made a different diagnosis.

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  MandieL  |  27

I do blame her husband too, as I said. The only birth control options for a man are abstinence, condoms, and getting snipped. If abstinence and getting snipped are non-options, then a condom is his only option. Then it is up to the woman to use birth control as well. Women have many more options to prevent pregnancy, this is a fact, not sexist or outdated. As for knowing her body, but not being able to tell something was up for 20 weeks, I call BS. I am not in tune to my body in the slightest due to a medical condition. This medical condition made it so it was extremely difficult for me to get pregnant, and I honestly thought I never would, so I never expected it. I still knew something was up. So yes, I will assume that if she was actively trying to not be pregnant, you would think that she would be more conscience of the potential signs. Down vote me all you want, call me out dated and sexist all you want. We both have assholes just like everyone else, and are therefore entitled to our own opinion just like everyone else. Doesn't make either of us right.

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  Needafarm  |  22

There are more options for women yes, but at the same time those options are the ones that make it very difficult to know if you are pregnant because their effects mimic your period symptoms which can be VERY similar to pregnancy symptoms. Some women get nausea, breast tenderness, bloating, weight gain, cravings and all those other symptoms associated with pregnancy during their monthly cycles. I know for a fact that if I wasn't trying to get pregnant I wouldn't have noticed anything different till about 24 weeks. My stomach stayed flat, my cravings were minimal and breast tenderness was normal for me. I was nauseous for a few days but the flu was going around at that time. Either way, accidents happen and you should really consider tossing your blame on the methods of protection that cannot be 100% other than *drum roll* ABSTINENCE. Honestly with all the health benefits that sex offers, why would you consider abstinence when you're married.

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  Misoranomegami  |  14

Wow, check your statistics. Condoms are 98% effective used correctly, sized correctly and used every time from beginning of contact to end. There's 67 million women of child bearing age in the US. If they were all sexually active and using condoms that's still over a million unplanned pregnancies every year. Typical (aka imperfect) use has an 18% failure rate. Also you can't always tell if a condom breaks and even if you can Plan B does not work every time. Shit happens. OP may have just gotten the really unlucky end of the stick.

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  rebeccacmlc  |  22

#97 symptoms are different for everyone. And, some women are subject to pregnancy denial, you have no idea how OP found out or what her symptoms were. Stop being judgemental and assuming they fucked up for being careless. Personally I never EVER want children and I'm so, so careful, if neither of them wanted children I think they would be even more careful, and I also think they were just very unlucky.

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  Jenn50  |  19

If she had a medical problem where she'd been told it wasn't possible for her to have kids, it probably wouldn't occur to her that she might be pregnant until it was too late. It's shocking how often doctors are wrong about that. And the double whammy is that often the condition that makes conception unlikely also mimics the telltale symptoms of early pregnancy.

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  Arwen_Evenstar  |  37

OP may well have had a form of contraception that stops periods, it's not uncommon with any of the implants, IUDs and such. She may have even had a tubal - 1 in 400 fail, they're not as foolproof as a vasectomy. And plenty of women don't get morning sickness or other common indicators, or they're mistaken for side effects of hormonal contraception. Easier than you'd think for this sort of thing to happen.

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  itchmcrotch  |  13

You are an idiot, #57. A complete moron. Birth control and condoms can just simply FAIL. It can completely NOT matter if you take both, they can fail all the same. Stop acting like birth protection is absolute.

By  Denise1988  |  13

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  Bluepies  |  24

...unless all the doctors in their area won't perform a sterilization procedure until AFTER you've had a few kids. And once you've had them, aren't we missing the point of getting sterilized? Yes, this is common. Not wanting kids doesn't make you a horrible person. Forcing your preference on others makes you a horrible person.

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  pheonyx93  |  2

Just because someone hates kids doesn't mean they won't protect them and treat them with respect. I hate kids, the thought of having my own makes me sick, but if a child is hurt or in danger I step in. If a child talks to me or asks a question, I respond with an age appropriate answer. I don't think that makes me an awful person- but I do think it makes you an awful person for judging me over it.

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It's not heartless to hate and not want a parasite. That's what kids are to me, is parasites. What's heartless and horrible is your judgmental viewpoint on someone else's life that in no way impacts you or yours.

By  domolovesyoshi  |  33

I know everyone has said this but they are right if you both don't want kids enough to consider abortion (nothing wrong with that). But since you're to far along then put the poor bastard up for adoption and get yourselves fixed, these accidents should my happen especially if you're using birth control you should both know it's not 100% fool proof.

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  awklife  |  7

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