Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2011 at 12:21pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

EllieB123's comment : Wow, what a bitch! :/

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Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

by scarred4life / 04/27/2011 at 10:05am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, I woke my husband up at 2am, screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally says, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four year old daughter with her blanket. FML

by BadgerSpirit / 04/27/2011 at 9:35am / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

by c.m.g. / 04/27/2011 at 6:50am / Health

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2011 at 4:19am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

by :( / 04/27/2011 at 2:54am / Love

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

by uncbballwins / 04/27/2011 at 12:21am / Money

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2011 at 11:07pm / United States / Animals

kemando's comment : u chewing stride?

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Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

by Chad / 04/26/2011 at 9:20pm / United States / Money

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

by gottapee / 04/26/2011 at 7:11pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

by Jyocka / 04/26/2011 at 6:25pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, a kid with severe Down's came into my workplace, as he does every day. He's has an obsession with me, sitting at a table, staring and taking photos of me all day. His parents have no problem with this, because they think it's a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long. FML

by notimpressed / 04/26/2011 at 3:25pm / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Miscellaneous

brookeec's comment : Atleast he is progressing in life! You should feel honored! ;)

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Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

by nomorexbox / 04/26/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (Georgia) / Geek