Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

by quarterback / 01/23/2011 at 12:43am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

by krushr / 01/23/2011 at 12:32am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

by RBHSWedgieGirl / 01/22/2011 at 8:35pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 7:12pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

by ohsnap / 01/22/2011 at 4:24pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

by ihatemyparents / 01/22/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

by jester777 / 01/22/2011 at 12:39pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

by mortified / 01/22/2011 at 11:04am / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Intimacy

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

by fmlalways / 01/22/2011 at 8:00am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Intimacy

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

by meeeoow / 01/22/2011 at 5:05am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

by Theaccident / 01/22/2011 at 5:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 4:03am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals