Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

by Trew Love / 05/03/2016 at 2:25am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML

by Love2sleep / 04/20/2013 at 12:31am / Australia (Queensland)

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

by Ashley / 05/03/2016 at 12:25am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud weezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

by just-a-fat-cat / 05/02/2016 at 11:25pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

by UnknownKitten / 05/02/2016 at 11:07pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

by onemoredonut / 05/02/2016 at 9:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I got my graded essay from my teacher. Earlier, he'd said that it was "too specific", and that I should change it to be "more general and debatable". Now that I've got it back, the first comments on the paper are, "Your thesis is too general, be more specific." FML

by Super Confused / 05/02/2016 at 7:59pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I want on a date with a man I met on the internet. While talking over drinks, I asked him what he did for a living. He said he was a salesman, and that he's really good at it. Interested, I asked him what it was he sold. "Cannabis." FML

by socksxox / 05/02/2016 at 5:19pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

2016/04/29
Blog

Today, I thought I’d be the first to arrive to collect my benefits, but all of the Invisible Man’s family were already standing in line. FML

On 04/24/2016 at 11:19pm
© DR

Today, I got engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I excitedly called my mom to tell her the great news, thinking she'd be excited too. Her only response? "Oh." FML

by snazz23 / 05/02/2016 at 5:12pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I've been living in Germany for several weeks now. My classmates still cannot pronounce my name: Clémence. Instead they call me, “Baguette.” FML

by baguette / 09/02/2014 at 7:32pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)