1known

Anonyme · 17 August 2022, 14:20 ·France

Précaution

Aujourd'hui, j'ai aidé une personne âgée. Pour me remercier, elle m'a offert un Orangina. Quand elle me l'a versé dans un verre, la bouteille en verre, pourtant vide, était toujours de couleur orange et les bulles absentes. J'ai regardé discrètement la date limite de consommation : 2012. Elle m'a ensuite proposé des gâteaux, mais j'ai refusé. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 496 You deserved it 445

8 comments Share

Anonyme · 17 August 2022, 16:20

T'es relou, mec

Aujourd'hui, dans le tramway, un homme a tenté de valider sans succès la douzaine de tickets qu'il avait dans sa poche, les y remettant soigneusement. Quand il a eu fini son manège, il est descendu. Pour les gens comme moi qui attendaient derrière lui pour valider leur ticket, VDM

I agree, your life sucks 2 998 You deserved it 420

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 13 August 2022, 06:00

Never enough

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend complaining that I don't help with the chores, I secretly took a day off work to deal with some that were piling up. When she got home, all she could do was complain about how I hadn't done more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325 You deserved it 292

6 comments Share

birthday girl · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·Toledo, United States

Taking the piss

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 381 You deserved it 4 274

46 comments Share

Anonymous · 13 August 2022, 10:00 ·Swansea, United Kingdom

Terminally online

Today, I came home to see my dad sitting in his car. I thought it'd be fun to sneak up on him. He was filming himself on his phone, ranting about "fighting like hell" and "a storm coming." He had his baseball cap on backwards, probably because the front had the name of our town in Wales on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772 You deserved it 162

3 comments Share

Anonymous · 13 August 2022, 12:00

Express yourself

Today, I got home and found my babysitter furious and my 5 year-old exhausted from crying. Normally he chooses to wear Disney princess dresses but today his grandma came for a visit, saw what he was wearing, told him he was bad, and forced him to wear trousers. I’m ready to kill the bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110 You deserved it 666

12 comments Share

Damnyouspellcheck · 13 August 2022, 18:00

Hangover from hell

Today, I sent a text to a girl I met last night. Since we'd both had a few drinks, I texted, “U alive?” It wasn’t until later I found it it had autocorrected to “U alone?” when she texted back that she was “creeped out” and “no longer felt safe around me,” and promptly blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445 You deserved it 730

3 comments Share

Laura B. · 13 August 2022, 22:00

Sex ed is broken

Today, I went with my son to a conference about sexual education at his high school. I guess it was all too late, because among the attendees I saw three girls from the same high school who were already pregnant. They aren't even 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816 You deserved it 190

6 comments Share

how are we related?! · 14 August 2022, 00:00

Dirty mind

Today, I realized just how fragile and idiotic my brother is. At a family get together, I bought a giant box of popsicles for all the kids to enjoy. He refused to let his sons have one, because according to him, “it looks gay”. I swear my mother found him by the road or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082 You deserved it 114

4 comments Share

Denny · This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff

Surprise matinale

Aujourd'hui, à 27 ans, j'ai pu confirmer qu'il est possible de mouiller son lit parce qu'on rêve qu'on est aux toilettes. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 45 573 You deserved it 3 790

45 comments Share

Huster Dream · 13 August 2022, 10:20

Peter Pan

Aujourd'hui, et régulièrement, mon père dit que je suis au collège, et quand je le corrige, il me dit : "Oui bon c'est pareil, chipote pas." Je suis en BTS. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 433 You deserved it 441

4 comments Share

Liliane B · 17 August 2022, 17:22

On n'est pas aux USA

Aujourd'hui, je travaille dans un Intermarché. Un client passe à ma caisse. Je commence à scanner ses articles. Au bout de quelques secondes, je remarque que le client reste immobile à me fixer. Je lui demande s'il y a un problème. Sa réponse : "C'est pas vous qui rangez les courses ? " Et puis quoi encore ? VDM

I agree, your life sucks 5 914 You deserved it 764

17 comments Share

Anonyme · 13 August 2022, 14:20

Salée

Aujourd’hui, ma belle-mère, qui a de graves soucis de santé en large partie dus à son surpoids, nous a présenté sa solution pour rendre les chips saines. Elle les lave sous l’eau pour enlever le sel. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 727 You deserved it 428

6 comments Share

Anonyme · 13 August 2022, 16:20

Pue du bec

Aujourd'hui, je conseille à mon ado, très au naturel, d'utiliser du déodorant. Elle a rétorqué que c'était l'hôpital qui se foutait de la charité, et m'a très sérieusement demandé si j'utilisais du dentifrice quand je me brossais les dents. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 237 You deserved it 1 101

3 comments Share

Anonyme · 13 August 2022, 20:20

Assume ta tête

Aujourd'hui, j’entends une femme dire qu’il n’y a que des têtes de cul dans l'arrêt de bus. Il n’y avait que ma famille et moi. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 665 You deserved it 507

9 comments Share

Anonyme · 14 August 2022, 00:22 ·Egypt

Tu crois que c'est le moment ?

Aujourd'hui, à 2 h du matin, j’entends du bruit dans l’appartement, comme si un voleur fouillait dans les armoires. Je me lève toute tremblante… le "voleur" c’était mon ado qui cherchait l’appareil à raclette pour s’en faire une. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 962 You deserved it 565

7 comments Share

I hate my skin · 8 August 2022, 21:59 ·United States

Deez nuts

Today, I have a massive boil on my genitals. I can't move, sit, or do anything without it flaring up. It's basically a constant dull pain on my nuts that gets worse when I move. No, I do not have genital warts, I just have horrible skin problems. This isn't the first time it's happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988 You deserved it 119

4 comments Share

Oww · 9 August 2022, 00:00

Cat mojo

Today, my ill-tempered cat tried to slap me in the face. She ended up sticking one of her claws as far up my nostril as it would go, and got stuck. Not only did I kinda get to experience what it feels like to be stabbed, I also got a horrible nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933 You deserved it 175

2 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 02:00 🌶️ Spicy

No notice

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. Before we'd finished, we were interrupted by my ex dropping my daughter off with no notice. In my rush to answer the door, I hopped off my boyfriend. The condom came off inside me. After a few minutes of feeling around, I pulled the condom out, and discovered I was on my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 365 You deserved it 385

3 comments Share

hatenicknames · 9 August 2022, 04:00

CARS!

Today, I was moving in with a housemate who was fixing his car outside. First, my dad was helping me move, but got distracted by the car, then my boyfriend came to help and also got distracted by the car. I've been moving everything by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987 You deserved it 168

1 comment Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 06:00

What's your excuse?

Today, I'm in a legal dispute with my neighbour, but he uses his autism as an excuse for being an asshole. I know people with autism much worse than his who are the nicest people, but this guy uses it like a get-out-of-jail free card, especially in front of police, or whenever we go to court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082 You deserved it 131

3 comments Share

apawn · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Cost effective

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 242 You deserved it 1 965

12 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 10:00 🌶️ Spicy

Obligatory joke about Alabama

Today, my son has to go live with my brother, because he got his half-sister pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 477 You deserved it 327

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 12:00 🌶️ Spicy

How could you be so selfish?

Today, my sister asked me to babysit so they could have date night, AKA sex without children in the house. I have a major surgery tomorrow and am in no fit mental state for three children under 10, so I said no. She called me an inconsiderate prick and slammed my door, breaking the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693 You deserved it 157

3 comments Share

Notacheat · 9 August 2022, 14:00 ·Hamilton, Canada

Not funny

Today, a third person in my husband's family made a comment insinuating that our children aren't my husband's. I have never cheated on him, they are 100% his, and look just like him. I'm not sure if they are joking and rude, or serious and stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195 You deserved it 123

8 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 16:00 ·Australia

Stuck

Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060 You deserved it 163

3 comments Share

Anonymous · 9 August 2022, 18:00 🌶️ Spicy

How the turntables…

Today, I caught my boyfriend with a prostitute. The prostitute actually got mad at me for yelling at him, because the few times he’s hired her, all he asked for was talking and cuddling, never sex. Her advice was I need to step up my emotional intimacy, because he’s clearly not getting it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672 You deserved it 3 499

7 comments Share

12345678910 · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Buffalo, United States

Lame!

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 623 You deserved it 4 447

45 comments Share

hystcheria · 9 August 2022, 22:00 ·Fredericksburg, United States

Injury meet insult

Today, I shattered my ankle while mountain biking with my boyfriend. As I lay writhing on the ground, waiting for the ambulance, he traced the outline of my thigh and said, "You should get this suctioned out while you're in the hospital." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152 You deserved it 162

7 comments Share

Juan Venada · 10 August 2022, 02:00 ·Ciudad De México, Mexico

Egg mode?

Today, I'm a 35 year-old man, and I'm moving in with my girlfriend soon. I have two options, get rid of all my lingerie, or tell her I love to wear it underneath my regular clothes, garter, and stockings included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494 You deserved it 1 180

11 comments Share