Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML
Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair whose leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?" He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML
Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he said, "Heaviest in back." FML
Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML
Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl who often comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out by writing my number on a dollar bill. She paid and the amount her change happened to be a dollar. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change!" FML
Today, the man I was going on a dinner date with bought me an expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend came and sat with us. Somehow, the subject of getting it on came up. My date then said, "Expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants." FML
Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML
Today, after the church service was over, my two year-old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang "Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML
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