baow

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

Source?

Today, I sent an email to my teacher asking if a source was a primary source, he replied yes. I got my grade back for my essay and it was worse than I expected. My teacher said it was because I didn't use a primary source. I showed him the email, to which he replied, "Well, I was wrong in the email." FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

Denial

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML