krzylife

PicturePerfect 2 March 2009, 21:33 Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

559 comments

RC3Welly 9 March 2012, 22:58 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

1769 comments

jilted 21 March 2009, 07:15 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

342 comments

crap 26 March 2009, 08:37 Thailand 🌶️ Spicy

Escape route

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex. I was on top and really into it but in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said, "Huh, look at the time, I gotta get home." She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

109 comments

Anonymous 29 March 2009, 09:14 Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

85 comments

Anonymous 29 March 2009, 19:09 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

238 comments

Blah This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff United States

Cool dude

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does, then asked if anyone had a question. One boy raised his hand and asked, "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

77 comments

lauren 30 March 2009, 05:39 United States

Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML

228 comments

Mark 30 March 2009, 07:06 United States

Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML

147 comments