nimzie

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Peaked

Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

TMI

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

Stop talking!

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy who lives on the same floor as me in my apartment complex. I got stood up. Instead I got to listen to him doing the girl who lives next door to me. FML

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML