Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML
Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML
Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML
Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML
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Top comments
unidentified_sta 5
Well... It beats the present being for your daughter at least. Santa has got a nice treat for you stowed away in his sack.
Doortje 30
I bet it was big :D
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Comments (207)
Doortje 30
I bet it was big :D
I_R_Genius 3
Looks like santa has more than a candy cane for your sack OP. Just don't use it as a stocking stuffer.
ericownz101 0
was it a red ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time!!?? be careful, you'll shoot your eye out..
DynamicDave 11
Haha! ^ This guy wins
OverweightNinja 0
where can I get in on santa's action?
stormer461 13
17 "A thing which tells time" pretty sure it's called a clock. I'm sure you'll like it since you like em so much you'd put in your BB gun.
ericownz101 0
29- stop living under a rock bro.. oh and actually its a sun dial not a clock
dharmistha 0
Pedo-Santa!
Mubus 0
17: Pure Win.
Gr1mr3ap3r 4
17 uber pwnage!
habeybaby25 11
17: ahahaha epic win!
doctor_itsmylife 3
Well at least now you know santa is REAL!
fatvader64 5
I add this to my favorite just because of 17s comment!!! WIN
Flameklr 0
haha 17: pure epicness
cowgoesgrr 0
it's a line from a movie
mahomie97 7
no shiitt, it's Santa, whatt so you expect?(;
mahomie97 7
17 epicc pwnage!:D
Link5794 18
Carbine refers to the size of the gun, not the reloading action.
RobotUnicorn1209 26
#152 What movie was it from?
pengyvan 21
A Christmas story.
unidentified_sta 5
Well... It beats the present being for your daughter at least. Santa has got a nice treat for you stowed away in his sack.
SparcMac 0
nice one
PurpleSleep 0
"I passed through the seven layers of the candy cane forest, through the sea of twirly, swirly gumdrops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel"
macskapingvin 0
#4, you have the same picture as me. Does... does the world end now?
upintheorange 5
PurpleSleep, you've ruined Elf for me. DAMN YOU!!
hairt 4
#86 HAHAHA xD
yaknowiverse 0
do you like Green Day by any chance? you share a birthday with the drummer, Tré
maddy14 0
Nice one!!!
HEATNATION 10
Would it happen to be another child?
baylebear 0
hahaha that's funny =p
roketkween 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Lmfao they always hire homeless guys and truck drivers, idea for being sexy mama
bitchofbadassery 14
What is wrong with you?
mathew17986g 2
well sounds like you REALLY got to know Santa this year lol
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Hahahaha that's flattering and disgusting at the same time. Only in American malls. Assuming you're in America that is..
Bagel09 11
wow ignorant much???
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
15- Someone doesn't know how to joke haha. Think, does that really ever happen anywhere else?
Trent_17 2
haha Canada ftw xD
turturkeykey 0
It probably happens where horny old dudes live which is all around the world.
Kraly 0
16- i agree, why do u think i was always so afraid to sit on santas lap as a kid? I knew wayyy to much for my age haha
nacy 4
and look at your picture now...
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
79- ?
redfayl 0
he probably meant that to 63.
Abe210 0
16- what? guys don't pop boners anywhere else but America? that's just fckn stupid...
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
105- Haha I see. 112- That's not what I meant at all. If you re-read my comment, you will see, first off I'm being sarcastic. Second, I meant that pedo-Santas would only exist in America, in my opinion. Yes I realize just because he got hard doesn't mean he's necessarily a creep. But he's no young man either, he should have better self control.
st0815 9
He got hard for the mom. How on earth would that make him a pedo?
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
132- He's playing Santa, in my opinion, that's unacceptable. Who knows how many time that's happened.
justsomgirl 4
you should really just stop talking. you are making yourself look even more stupid each time you try to explain.
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
137- If you don't agree with what I'm saying, you can go somewhere else. No one is forcing you to read this.
dragead12 0
@131, it says no where that santa was an old man. There can be men in their early twenties dressed as santa just to take the job. Besides, a doubt any man has total control over their boners
runawaybishop 5
#138 if we don't agree with what you are saying we can instead call you an idiot. just stop talking k?
XnikiroxX 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
her point is just that people only hire creepy old pedos in America and it was a joke but when ur just always negative and don't understand humor it might be a little difficult
MuchDance90s 0
you should report him you don't know for sure it was meant for you originally, and if it wasn't, they should find a non-pedo Santa :-(
All_For_Love 0
Santas cheating on ms clause... what's the world coming to? :O
Moemoemoe_fml 0
#8: Report yourself too while you're at it, thought police. There's NOTHING there indicating the boner wasn't for the mother. And besides, guys can't control getting a boner or not. The fact that he got one doesn't means he was about to do something bad to the woman. He just got a boner ( and was probably dying of embarrassment.) Case in point, nothing else happened, or she'd have mentioned it. It was probably a terribly awkward moment for both, but not a crime. No need for "reporting" or firing the guy. What are you, the Gestapo? Sure sounds like that sort of mindset... rushing to report the slightest thought and all. Sure, maybe the guy was a jerk and enjoyed the situation rather than feeling awkward, but no one got raped or harmed. And at the very least, if she chooses to report him it should be for the boner poking her, and NOT for your out-of-place assumptions about the boner being for the kid and not the mother. That's so wrong.
WingsFan80 4
I side with 31. thats what's wrong with this ****** up country, people jump to conclusions way to fast. Ignorance is what's wrecking this country.
Mubus 0
31, you made my day!
TheWicked 4
Agree with 31
sure_burt 5
I think she should get over herself, I doubt it was a boner.
felixshen 18
maybe it was just a long dick? i personally store mine coiled up in my pocket
itsgen 16
totally agree
Yelyah46 6
I think now the world ends....
kewlclass99 0
? is are you hot?
schwancy 2
She are is.
Trent_17 2
are is she? haha jk
KFCkoolaidWaterm 0
Nah, she not is are. She only are is sometimes.
KFCkoolaidWaterm 0
Nah, she not is are. But on some rare occasions, she can be are is.
mikey2469 0
his comment read "question" is, are you hot? in short hand but jumpin down his throat is fun.
dudeitsdanny 10
This is why typing out words and using punctuation can avoid confusion..
RedPillSucks 33
Is you is, or is you aint.
KomodoDragon 0
lmfao!!!
KFCkoolaidWaterm 0
You must be such a looker considering the fact that you just turned on a wrinkley, old, fat guy.
RedPillSucks 33
Pretty much anything can turn on a wrinkly old fat guy. Trust me. I'm an expert (at being a wrinkly old fat guy, not turning them on)
dragead12 0
how do you know he was old, wrinkly and fat? there's nothing stopping a young man putting on a fat suit and working as santa.
KFCkoolaidWaterm 0
Is there a reason you're so defensive?
MmmBabycakes 0
you have been a very naughty girl ;)
Trent_17 2
haha nice one
lgs25 0
are u asian baby cakes
lgs25 0
are u asian baby cakes
xGUMMYBEARSx 0
haha yeah dude. *headbut*