Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
Today, I had to tell my 10 year-old son that his father and I are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML
Today, I saw a cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty, and asked for her number. She replied, "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML
Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML
Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML
Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML
Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML
Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML
Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML
Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML
Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML
Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML
Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML
Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML
Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML
Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML
Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML
Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said, "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, she suddenly said : "Are you going to be done any time soon?" FML
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