Miss That one place, you know, the one, you know, the one 28 years-old Single
Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML
Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML
Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
Today, my friend's 11 year-old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML
Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML
Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML
Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML
Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML
Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML
Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML
Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML
Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML
Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML
Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML
Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML
Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML
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