Mr calgary, canada 41 years-old
Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML
Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML
Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML
Today, I was helping a 7 year-old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML
Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML
Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML
Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML
Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML
Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML
Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me a gorgeous ring that I fell in love with. As he slid the ring on my finger for the first time, he started moving it up and down my finger and making loud sex sounds, completely ruining the romantic moment. FML
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML
Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML
Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML
Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML
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