Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML
Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML
Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML
Today, after months of enduring my neighbor's relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML
Today, I'm precisely one month away from graduating with a degree in translation for the sole purpose of becoming a state-authorised translator. Today, I also discovered that my government has just decided to abandon the concept of authorisation for translators. FML
stupidgov tells us more.
I wrote this - just in an FML mood. I'm the OP, and this is precisely the point. I already did some translation (mostly unpaid, but was getting experience) before I started this degree. Translators without this authorisation can also get work, but that takes more experience. I figured with the degree I would actually get paid for doing what was otherwise my hobby. Now any motivation to finish writing my thesis seems to have disappeared.
Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML
Today, I was able to check my voicemail and email for the first time in two weeks. The only message I got was from my landlord telling me that the house I'm renting is in foreclosure, and I needed to have all my stuff out in ten days. He left the message nine days ago. FML
Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML
Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML
Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman who sits at the desk beside me looks over and says, "Wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML
Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML
Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML
Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML
Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML
Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML
Today, after I'd spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confessed she's a mental patient who stole someone else's identity. She was telling the truth. FML
Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML
Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML
Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML
Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them. FML
Today, my psychotic grandma set fire to our Christmas tree because she refuses to let us celebrate what she calls a twisted pagan holiday. FML
Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML
Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML
Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML
Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML
Today, a woman called the store I work for. When she found out it was a wrong number, she started to cry and asked me to stay on the line with her, talking about her dead husband and how she hasn't laughed in years. FML
icy_in_indiana tells us more.
To those who said I'm selfish for saying FML, I was just following the conventions of the site. Trust me, the situation was awkward for me, but I so feel so much more sorry for the lady who called. She was meaning to call who I assume to be family or a friend to ask for toilet paper, but instead called the grocery store. I stayed on the line for a short while, but since we're not allowed to take personal calls at work, I had to refer her to someone else. I can only hope that she found someone to keep her company.
Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML
TwistedCherub1 tells us more.
To answer a few questions: 1. I did make it to the bathroom. 2. Cameras are everywhere in a prison, see from all angles, and have incredible resolution. 3. From my post I have to go through a door which requires pushing a button, identifying myself to master control and waiting for them to release the lock. Then two crash gates where the operator can see me through the glass, then two more doors like the first. That's if I'm in the D-space and not the day room doing rounds, which would involve two more doors. No two doors in any corridor can be open at the same time, so I have to wait for each to close before the next can open.
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