Anonymous
Stuck
Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Anonymous
Adelaide CBD, Australia
Tasty snack
Today, I used the “Find My…” app to locate a missing AirPods. Good news: I found them. Bad news: they are inside my dog’s belly. Next stop: Emergency vet. FML
Anonymous
Lonely, so lonely…
Today, as I watched my male and female dogs frolic, play, and lick each other, it occurred to me there's more love and romance between them than I have ever had in my whole damned life. FML
Anonymous
What logic is that?
Today, my parents lectured me on whether it was a good idea to let my girlfriend stay at the home of her ex boyfriend… and his husband. I’m 44 and trust her. My parents didn’t trust this logic and doubled down. FML
Grace
Don't touch me, bitch
Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML
Anonymous
Milton Keynes, United Kingdom
Equality
Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML
Anonymous
Arlington, United States
All's well that ends well
Today, my boyfriend and our so-called “friends” left us stranded at a park, when our phones and wallets were also missing. I had to walk nearly four miles in tears before I eventually got a ride from a stranger. Luckily, my phone was returned to my mom, but I’m still in tears from the distress. FML
pick up after your dog you lazy piece of shit!
Disproportionate response
Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML
Anonymous
Pomona, United States
Meddling
Today, I was sitting in math class taking notes on my laptop when my mom texted me, asking why I wasn’t in class. She has my location for security purposes. I’m 19 and in college. FML
Anonymous
Recycle this!
Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML
Anonymous
Dead end
Today, I was talking to a guy I've recently started developing feelings for. We've been talking for a while, but he revealed that he wasn't being serious with anything we've been talking about, and didn't have any feelings for me. FML
Bruce
Pour some more funny!
Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML
Anonymous
Puducherry, India
Corporate task management
Today, I got a complaint that I'm not performing as usual at my work. That's when I realised it was because I now prioritise my sleep and life over staying awake late at night to learn from the offshore team. I used to work during the ungodly hours of 2am to 7am daily and was then a zombie for the whole day. FML
Anonymous
Tachycardia
Today, after a three day hospitalization, four weeks of a new heart med, no alcohol and no caffeine, my heart rhythm was finally back on track. That is until some a-hole teens decided that banging loudly on my door and running away was hilarious. Oh well, back to square one. FML
cranky, smelly, musty, moody
Stinky
Today, I’ve finished all my cancer treatments but my body is putting me through the wringer again. I got my first period after not having one for nearly a year, and with it has come all sorts of hormonal issues including cramping, mood swings, hot flashes, and heinous BO! It’s worse than puberty! FML
Anonymous
Slow
Today, after being friends with a guy, age 35, for a year, he asked if we could progress the relationship romantically. I'm keen but it's been a month, and the closest touching we have done is a hug. Slowest relationship ever. FML
PlanB
Miami, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Hogwatch
Today, my mom disowned me and kicked me out of the house, all because I used Plan B to terminate a potential pregnancy after I had unprotected sex. She actually packed a suitcase and duffle-bag for me, told me to hit the road, and to never come back. She told me she’d call the police for trespassing if I didn’t comply. FML
Anonymous
Kaul, India
I don't need to see this
Today, I found out that my best friend likes the same person as I do, but she doesn’t know that I'm in love with him, and she keeps sending me their flirty texts. FML
Anonymous
Nearly Spring
Today, I only open my curtains in the morning so my plants won’t die. Me, I leave in the dark and return in the dark. The only time I see the sun in winter is during lunch breaks and weekends. FML
Anonymous
Wasps can **** right off
Today, a wasp flew straight up my nose and stung inside my nose and my upper lip about 8 times. I would very much like to be put in a medically-induced coma right now, but the emergency room nurse thinks I'm joking. I’m very much not joking, I want to be unconscious ASAP. FML
Anonymous
My feefees
Today, I beat my boyfriend at chess, whilst also doing my homework and cooking dinner, and he got upset about it. FML
Anonymous
Man meat
Today, I discovered my boyfriend gets lunch every day at Burger King. I confronted him, and he broke up with me. Apparently, he only pretended to be vegan like me to get in my pants, and now the jig is up he dumped me so he can return to having meat at all three meals of the day. FML
Anonymous
Strathfield, Australia
Proselytism
Today, it's the third day that I've been ghosted by a Christian boy who's still a virgin. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s cute, and I liked him a lot. I’m just confused because he asked me out to church last week. He’s really sweet, but maybe he was just trying to convert me? FML
Anonymous
Adelaide CBD, Australia
All shook up
Today, in an effort to save some money, I attempted to paint my own house. Instead, I fell off the ladder and broke my dominant arm. Now I can’t work, brush my teeth, or even wipe my ass. My house is half-painted with stuff everywhere and I have 6 weeks to recover. FML
Anonymous
Snap, crackle, and pop
Today, I woke up from my wisdom tooth surgery… while they were still sawing my jaw. I had such a bad panic response that they also cut my lip, so I have stitches inside and outside of my mouth, as well as the haunting crackle of bone being removed from my skull stuck in my head. FML
janess
Sorry dad
Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML
Anonymous
Culture wars
Today, I was visiting California with a friend. I saw a lot of palm trees by the road and asked my friend, "Wouldn't that be dangerous when there are coconuts...?" My friend gave me weird look and told me that those are two different trees. Turns out I thought palm trees and coconut trees are the same tree for 20+ years. FML
gaah!
Unhappy birthday
Today, it's my birthday. My spouse got into a fight, ending a relationship with a friend. They're laying around, unable to move due to panic attacks. I'm exhausted from being dragged unwillingly into things. The birthday messages feel like a joke. FML
Oh my goodness
United States
Life imitates art
Today, I was lying on the couch when saw the Airheads commercial where a jump-roping construction worker falls and lands on his nuts and says, in a deadpan tone, "Oh my goodness." A few minutes later, my cat jumped from the table and landed on my nuts, and I said, "Oh my goodness" with the very same inflection. FML
BarbaraP
United States 🌶️ Spicy
What the hell?
Today, my husband once again went to my sister’s room (she's been living with us since her husband passed away) and claims he’s comforting her. He locks the door and there are moaning noises, but they insist that it’s her crying for her dead husband. They called me “selfish” for me questioning their motives. FML