Today, I finally got home after driving solo for 4 full days across Australia. I left my house keys where I started. FML
Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML
Today, my wife insisted we start a college fund for our son, even though from where we were sat in the kitchen, we could clearly see him eating ice cream he'd just dropped on the floor, while picking at his belly button. He’s 13. College, sure. FML
Today, I was trying to relax on the beach after a stressful day, just to overhear a bunch of kids near me start fighting over who pooped in the hole they'd dug in the sand. FML
Today, after not being on the schedule for a week, I checked to see what my next shift was, only to find my employee profile edited to 'disabled' and still no hours or word from any managers. This after weeks of showing up at the drop of a hat when needed for any position. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that his daughter only liked me because she thought that we look like siblings. FML
Today, my dad is infuriating by increasingly asking me to do things around the house, but because he doesn’t like how I do them he yells at me and then does it himself. It’s almost like he cares more about inventing excuses to yell at me than he does to actually get things done. FML
Today, I'm broker than ever. I work a full time job but I STILL can't afford basic adult necessities. My mom keeps asking me to pay a bill that I can't afford (and has nothing to do with her) but she's been opening my mail, and questions my unpaid bills. I'm 36 and I can't afford to move out. FML
Today, a neighbor chose today of all days to drop off her junk in front of my condo/apartment. My relative owns and I rent. I got a letter from a different neighbor, stating that if I continue this egregious behavior of using my apartment as a trash dumpster, she will be forced to report me to the HOA. FML
Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML
Today, my mom wanted a pat on the back for putting away some bottles that were clogging up the kitchen bench. She put them away by putting them on top of the dishwasher for me to deal with. They were from a trip she took over Christmas. It’s now March. FML
Today, I farted in my office, assuming nobody would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in to introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML
Today, while scrolling through my contact list, I realized I have more therapists and support workers than I do friends. FML
Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML
Today, I was sick and had a migraine. Being sick turns me into a big baby, and I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be alone. Two hours into my shift, he texted me saying he "needs to let off some steam because he hadn't in a long time." Guess who ended up staying home alone until his drunk ass needed to be taken care of. FML
Today, my cat got out. I was chasing him in the field behind my backyard, barefoot while wearing PJs, yelling my head off like a raving lunatic. The field soil was sludge, and my feet sunk right in with every step. After I got him, I heard a snap of a soda can. My neighbours were there the whole time, watching. FML
Today, it’s exam day in Sweden. Yesterday, I prepared three fountain pens and six cartridges. The exam starts. Suddenly, I’m stressing out: my pens had frozen during the night. Thanks, sub-zero conditions. FML
Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML
Today, my sister-in-law and I discussed what men like our husbands do at a bachelor party. I thought of beer, sports, and a strip club. Her version included church, wrestling (she believes they're former high school athletes), and sleeping together in the den (they’re 28 and in his own home). She was offended by my answers. FML
Today, I learned the news about Queen Elizabeth in the most awkward way possible. My friend suddenly came into my house and shouted, "THE QUEEN IS DEAD!" It scared me so badly that I spit my drink out all over his clothes. Then I took another drink and spit it out again when I realized who he was referring to. FML
Today, I spent time with some of my extended family. To give you an idea of their pedigree, I overheard a daughter ask her mom, "Why did you name me Chanté?" The mom, "After the wine!" The daughter asked, "What wine?" and her mom replied, "You know, Chianti!" FML
Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML
Today, I watched as my friend played dead to see how her cat would react. She got upset when he just sniffed her hand and walked away. I tried to explain to her that he was smart enough to figure out she was faking it, but I got called a "know-it-all." Jeez, sorry that cats are more intelligent than you thought. FML
Today, it's exactly 3 months since I ended my engagement. I'm STILL seeing ads for rings everywhere - because before I realized I deserved better, I was googling to buy my own engagement ring. I'm happy with my decision and have moved on, but the internet refuses to let it go. FML
Today, since we work out of town, my MIL told me she was going to come see the kids before we left. Then she completely ghosted me the entire day, but tells everyone in the family I never let her visit us. I'm the only adult who puts any effort into the relationship, but everyone is on her side because she’s “stressed”. FML
Today, my boss told me, and only me, to leave work before I was done because I'm a minor and he can't have me sticking around at work as long as I do. I'm not a minor. My coworkers are. FML
Today, it was my stepdad's funeral. Everything was great, until people got drunk, kicked off, and the police got called. FML
Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML
Today, my father is strongly trying to convince me not to have kids because "autism runs strong" in my husband's family, and he’ll be damned if any grandchild of his is subnormal because what would the neighbours think, and he couldn’t invite his colleagues to our family barbecues anymore. FML
Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML
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