Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML
Today, my dad invited me to a bar that turned out to be a brothel, because “it’s pathetic that I’m still a virgin and it’s past time I just get it over with.” I’m not a virgin, I’ve just never been with a woman because I’m gay and still haven’t told my family. FML
Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
Today, my demented mother-in-law had my dog euthanized while I was on vacation, because he was, "too feral and disorderly." Why? Because he, "peed on the grass." I had that dog for 9 years. Why couldn’t my husband put her in a nursing home instead? FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the two weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML
Today, I was supposed to be going on my first date with a guy I really liked. He never showed up. I just found out my dad was outside washing the car when my date showed up. He told him he didn't have a daughter and to never show up on his driveway again. FML
Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to "Listen to this voicemail." I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty, followed by the bed springs bouncing for three minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML
Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML
Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML
Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML
Today, it occurred to me that it’s not normal that I still fit into all my clothes from when I was in high school. I’m 24 and I haven’t outgrown any of my clothes since I was 12. FML
Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and that we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML
Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML
Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML
Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML
Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML
Today, I found out that the stories about how you swallow insects and spiders in your sleep are true, as I woke up to a funny taste in my mouth and the remains of a spider stuck to my braces. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Her new nickname for me is "Mr. Breakfast Sausage." FML
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touched me. FML
Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML
Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend's spider bites, located on her ass crack. FML
tonirene tells us more.
To answer all of Qs.. I am a straight girl, no she's not fat. she just couldn't see it therefore it was difficult to apply medicine. I did it because I am a good friend and she told me to put it up on FML lol. turns out it wasn't a spider bite afterall though, she has a staph infection on he ass,
Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML
Today, after a guy I really liked and we decided to have sex, and he gagged and told me I stank when he got 'down there', I broke up with him, badly, but it's now a week later and I’m in hospital with a severe infection down there. He was right, and now he won’t take me back. FML
Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML
Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML
Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML
Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML
Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML
Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response? "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
