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Who the **** is this guy?

By Username - 06/08/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 006

You deserved it 2 945

Wardrobe malfunction

By Unknown - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight the shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow, and I tugged so hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 804

You deserved it 37 409

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 023

You deserved it 1 504

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked through the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 79 396

Inspiring

By indierocklove - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 761

You deserved it 8 962

By keimA - 23/06/2019 12:30

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 404

The art, the artist

By waltzy777 - 26/04/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 618

You deserved it 83 080

Cocobananas

By why... - 05/06/2012 17:21 - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 066

You deserved it 3 545

By Stolemylady - 04/06/2012 07:05 - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 350

You deserved it 6 814

By melean - 04/10/2010 06:37 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 730

You deserved it 3 093

By peacexout108 - 08/11/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 951

You deserved it 3 386

By iheartkanye - 30/06/2019 20:01

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 239

Fight!

By Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! - 18/08/2023 00:02 - United States

Today, it’s the first week of school and I’ve already had to schedule a sit down with two students’ families. The late great Jerry Springer would be proud of how many fists and chairs started flying barely after the introduction. I teach second grade and seriously weep for the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 108

Please leave

By Anonymous - 29/09/2010 01:36 - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 602

You deserved it 2 590

You big wuss

By Anonymous - 22/08/2023 04:00

Today, the girl I was going to hook up with took off her clothes and revealed she had an absolutely disturbing tattoo of a rotting zombie head on her lower stomach and groin, the idea being that during sex my penis would look like it was in the zombie's mouth. I couldn’t go through with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 241

People disprove

By matt - 12/03/2021 08:01

Today, I, a forty year-old man, went to the store with my teenage daughter and infant son. I got some very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 139

By TheKingKen - 02/07/2014 00:33 - Australia - Perth

Today, as I was picking up my 5-year-old brother from school, he hugged a girl from his class to say goodbye. His classmate's mom and I looked at each other, thinking it was adorable, until my brother decided to dry hump the side of his classmate's thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 868

You deserved it 4 934

TheKingKen tells us more.

TheKingKen 22

Wednesday 2 July 2014 13:42

Damn, sucks to be OP! I wouldn't wanna be him.

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 717

You deserved it 9 370

Epic prank

By Andrew - 24/09/2010 10:22 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 310

You deserved it 4 591

What is going on in this FML?

By Anonymous - 28/08/2023 10:00

Today, after weeks of doubt and pondering the pros and cons, I finally broke up with my girlfriend, and she burst into tears. Feeling guilty, I tried to console her by saying, "Don't worry, we can still be cousins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 847

By paywithpoop - 22/06/2014 15:10 - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 031

You deserved it 3 894

Really!

By fml - 13/01/2020 14:00 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 20/06/2014 19:21 - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 969

You deserved it 5 550

Thieves like us

By Bummer - 30/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 932

You deserved it 3 904

By Anonymous - 26/04/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 016

You deserved it 3 273

By Anonymous - 13/09/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 237

You deserved it 4 391

Lesson learned

By kjirut - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 269

You deserved it 5 345

Lunch Special

By Luisa - 09/01/2020 01:00

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 248

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 955

You deserved it 9 494

By Joe - 08/07/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 753

You deserved it 22 445

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The Top

Today, at my new fast food job, I was in charge of filtering the grease out of the fryers. I accidentally turned the wrong lever and flooded the kitchen with hot oil. It took over 3 hours to clean up, and my manager is furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 584

You deserved it 3 385

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 693

You deserved it 4 443

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 754

You deserved it 3 610

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 703

You deserved it 2 300

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote, "Cool picture" on his Facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply, "Who the fuck are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 930

You deserved it 12 246

Today, I've come to the conclusion that the best way to remember when my wife of 17 years and I last got intimate was to remember which American president was in power at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 206

You deserved it 204