The Top

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By turdburger - 02/09/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 199

You deserved it 7 118

Fake it til you make it

By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/03/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 265

You deserved it 40 564

The red knob incident

By Bee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 512

You deserved it 93 313

Stay safe

By Sicky sick - 20/07/2021 00:01

Today, I'm in quarantine after testing positive for Covid. Two weeks after starting a new job. Two months after receiving the vaccine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 215

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

By Unreasonable - 23/03/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 301

You deserved it 170

By What a happy day - 14/01/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 603

You deserved it 3 785

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one calling me from down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 646

You deserved it 40 112

Forever alone, episode 7864

By Anonymous - 01/04/2020 23:00

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 432

Ecstasy

By Abyssal - 04/04/2011 18:29 - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 261

You deserved it 11 942

By A_W - 06/07/2018 19:00

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 150

You deserved it 656

By kblevss - 05/01/2013 09:21 - United States - Bayville

Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 835

You deserved it 5 735

Stir crazy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 454

You deserved it 287

The bobs and vagene guy

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 04:01 - Australia

Today, ever since I let my boyfriend touch my boobs, he thinks it's appropriate to grope me whenever he feels like it. Even talking to him about it doesn't seem to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 232

Such a rush

By Embarrassed - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was getting a spray tan and realized I didn't have a hair tie, so I used a thong instead. I lost track of time and realized I needed to go pick up my daughter. I threw on my clothes, drove to pick her up, went to the store, and went for ice cream... thong still in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 360

You deserved it 47 649

By axsmith01 - 21/08/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past five years asked me to move to California with her to get married. Naturally, I was thrilled and said, "Of course, when do you want to leave?". She just stared at me blankly and said, "Shit, I was kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 705

You deserved it 5 760

axsmith01 tells us more.

axsmith01 0

Friday 21 August 2009 21:34

Today, it turns out I am the only bi-sexual woman in the world who doesn't know same-sex marriages in California are no longer legal. Double FML

Confinement must be great

By Lisa - 24/04/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 709

You deserved it 273

Priceless

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 22:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I got back from my honeymoon. Return flights from Australia to New Zealand? $1,800. A week’s accomodation in another country? $1,500. Busting my new husband finger banging a barmaid by the public pool? Fucking priceless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 134

You deserved it 206

He's got game

By Anonymous - 07/03/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I caught my son sneaking a woman out of his room at 5 a.m. After she was gone, I started with the questions, one of which was, “Well, what’s her name?” His response was, “No idea, I only met her last week.” I’ve raised one of “those guys.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 225

By Saradee - 24/12/2012 04:55 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 239

You deserved it 10 976

Because I said so

By thesparrow - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 191

You deserved it 2 458

By thefifthdoctor - 10/12/2013 06:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 893

You deserved it 3 472

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 04:05 - United States - Springfield

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 037

You deserved it 29 343

Getting the point across

By Anonymous - 05/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 136

Crotch rot of the mouth

By Anonymous - 25/03/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, as I hadn’t showered yet, I told my boyfriend not to go down on me in case it smelled "down there." We started kissing instead, but he made a "blech" face, then went down on me anyway. Apparently my morning breath was worse than unwashed crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 150

You deserved it 553

By Noname - 04/02/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 101

You deserved it 38 845

Thorn in my side

By CantPublish - 15/01/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left a sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 119

You deserved it 5 002

By OuchImAMoron - 29/11/2013 02:05 - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 466

You deserved it 46 755

By pretty princess - 01/02/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 843

You deserved it 4 965

By MichiganExile - 31/01/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 589

You deserved it 5 959

By heymacie - 29/04/2016 01:41 - United States - Beckley

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 169

You deserved it 1 180

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The Top

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 973

You deserved it 1 586

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 795

You deserved it 5 448

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 180

Today, my husband got home from hospital following a suicide attempt that was a hair's breadth from being successful, and told me he did it because he can’t handle being married, being a father, having responsibilities, then he moved out and refuses to come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 202

Today, my wife has declared that, unless our son has finished his homework, I'm not to watch TV, play video games, read, use my phone, cook, or go outside, lest I "tempt him" to leave his work unfinished. Guess I'll just stare at the wall all afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 542

You deserved it 256

Today, my parents are mad because I turned down a job. It offered below minimum wage to work 12-hour shifts, six days a week, and the list of benefits was less than the occupational hazards. When I showed them what McDonald's was paying and their benefits in comparison, they accused me of being lazy and entitled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 122