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By mustanggt - 10/07/2012 15:39 - United States - La Porte

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 860

You deserved it 31 250

By Flicker - 14/05/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 53

By Jenniesaurus - 04/09/2014 12:22 - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, I was walking my dogs when a woman at a bus stop quite rudely exclaimed, "Keep those mutts away from my kid". I replied just as rudely that I wouldn't want them anywhere near her dirty sprog. It was then we both realised she was a customer that I regularly talk to at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 434

You deserved it 8 041

Jenniesaurus tells us more.

Jenniesaurus 14

Friday 5 September 2014 14:50

Finally had something FML-worthy to write and it got up! Wow, I'm surprised at the amount of supportive comments, they definitely make me feel a little better! I admit I shouldn't have been quite so rude, but I am fiercely protective of my dogs (they're rescue dogs and I've had them for 13 years) and I really don't like kids, and especially the mothers that, like her, look like they can't even look after themselves. I called the child dirty because he was quite literally dirty, stains all down his shirt and crumbs and chocolate all around his mouth. I know they may have happened since she left the house and the mum might have no way to clean him but there are so so many women on benefits who just have children for the sake of it around my area when they obviously can't afford to look after them. My two biggest peeves, women like that and people insulting dogs got to me big time! Thankfully I haven't seen her in work yet, hoping she'll steer clear of me and go to a different cashier in the future....

By SadAndDeaf - 02/09/2014 23:38

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 780

You deserved it 3 141

By miss cranky pants - 30/10/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 513

You deserved it 4 745

By ehwat - 26/11/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 924

You deserved it 12 819

By jimmy - 19/08/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 237

You deserved it 4 535

Brotherly love

By Foodcomesfirst - 24/11/2009 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 162

You deserved it 3 700

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 001

You deserved it 4 735

By Facepalm - 15/08/2011 23:09 - United States

Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 120

You deserved it 2 572

Check this out

By Roger Quimble - 24/05/2019 00:04

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 949

You deserved it 268

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 196

You deserved it 27 978

By Anonymous - 23/06/2012 14:59 - Ireland - Cork

Today, as a romantic gesture, my boyfriend gifted me an origami vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 4 722

Pranked real good

By kekumbas - 05/05/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 721

You deserved it 3 867

By Anonymous - 19/06/2012 03:33 - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 482

You deserved it 4 645

Give it back

By aliixmaee - 09/08/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 069

You deserved it 6 401

By TooShort - 03/05/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 402

You deserved it 8 620

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 777

You deserved it 2 539

By ahddib - 14/10/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 242

You deserved it 10 382

By Rosie - 13/06/2012 16:07 - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 419

You deserved it 5 256

By sleekRelease - 11/06/2019 04:00

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 197

By david - 28/04/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 162

You deserved it 111 402

By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - 25/07/2014 15:54 - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 994

You deserved it 7 670

Partytime! Yay!

By theonlychildd1 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 057

You deserved it 6 819

By trippy - 24/06/2019 20:01

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 240

By tampondealer - 09/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 162

You deserved it 2 800

The one with the phone addiction

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 267

By Anonymous - 30/09/2010 13:25 - United States

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 181

You deserved it 5 486

By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - 04/11/2016 03:49 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 020

You deserved it 1 292

By HazingNight - 02/07/2014 20:46 - United States - Minnetonka

Today, my girlfriend asked me where I've always wanted to settle down, and I told her that Italy had always appealed to me. She snorted and told me what a bad idea that was, because "you don't speak French". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 199

You deserved it 6 907

HazingNight tells us more.

HazingNight 4

Thursday 3 July 2014 5:08

funny cause that's not even close to her name. why seek attention. and BTW i just found out she has a learning disability

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The Top

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 921

You deserved it 2 499

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 609

You deserved it 5 503

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 148

You deserved it 27 577

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 951

You deserved it 558

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 111

Today, I walked in on my husband jerking off to his friend’s dance videos on YouTube. He “swears on his mother’s grave” he only sees her as a friend. The worst part? He’s never in the mood to have sex because he’s been getting “migraines” when achieving erections. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 233