Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for stomach pains, and was told that it sounds like I have an ovarian cyst. My mom went into a rage, screaming that I'd lied to her about being a virgin. Despite the doctor explaining that sexual activity has nothing to do with it, she refuses to believe him. FML
Briscuit tells us more.
Briscuit 24
2- My mother did eventually understand you can get it while still being a virgin. She thought the doctor was covering for me so I wouldn't have to tell her I was sexually active. When we got home we looked up articles and I proved it to her. Either way, I'm still going to be in a crap load of pain when these puppies burst if they decide not to remove them...
Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML
Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML
Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the "fake me" got more birthday greetings than the "real me." FML
Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML
Today, I was messing around in computer class when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML
Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so shit. FML
Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML
Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had taken her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the Adderall they found in my desk. FML
Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML
Today, I decided to snack on some M&M's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my M&M's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the M&M off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an M&M. It was a dead beetle. FML
Today, I've been sexting a mysterious guy from New Jersey. I was getting hot, so I decided to say, "I want you to be my first." Suddenly, my officemate who was two desks away from me waved her phone in hand and shouted, "You're a virgin?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML
Today, I paid my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years a surprise visit. I entered his house and he got irrationally angry, asking why didn’t I tell him beforehand. Moments later, a female voice yelled, "Babe come back to bed!" FML
Today, I feel massively depressed, but I can't talk to anyone about it as I'm British. FML
Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML
Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML
Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML
Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML
Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML
Today, in the fitting rooms at work, a 10-year-old kid threw a coat-hanger directly at my face. The kid's father didn't apologise on his behalf, but instead congratulated him on what he called "a wicked shot". FML
GoldenButtNugget tells us more.
No. No offense, I completely agree that that guy should be a better father and have handled that situation a lot differently, but you do not kick a man in his genitals unless it is self defense when he is attempting to harm you. The sheer pain alone is indescribable, as if someone is pulling out your soul, but the risk of permanent damage is what disgusts me about people who just leisurely decide to kick men in their genitals, it's almost as brutal as saying, "hey just punch her in the crotch really hard," no big deal right??? Like I said I agree the situation could have been handled better but the ONLY situation in which a man deserves ANY attempted harm to his genitals is when it is out of self defense when he is Really trying to harm you. This has to stop, I almost had irreversible damage to my testicles because two assholes decided it would be funny to kick me in my genitals, one a man and one a woman, and I might not have been able to have children ever, which is one of my dreams because I want to be an amazing father and create a life that I can support and help change the world if they want to, and I almost lost that just because two assholes wanted to kick me in the genitals, and no I was not doing anything threatening. This has to stop, people need to realize this is a serious problem, along with many others that there is not a long enough comment to talk about but I felt I needed to address this. I posted this just above but I wanted to make sure you two idiots get it too.
Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years-old. I'm 25. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML
Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML
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