The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

God is Dead 6: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my overly-religious parents that I'm an agnostic. They asked me why. As soon as I gave my reasons, my mom called me a "bigot" and hurled a bible at me, and it nailed me in the crotch. She then said, "That's what you get, non-believer." FML

But my grandbabies!

Today, my fiancé and I were having dinner with my parents. My mom asked when we were thinking of having kids. My fiancé cheerfully said, “When pigs fly and Hell freezes over!” He’s right, but I was hoping to break the news a little more gently. FML

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

Struggling

Today, I started my senior year of high school. Every guy I try to get with immediately loses interest and runs off when they learn I have a one year-old son. It’s not fair I have to deny my baby boy just to find happiness. FML

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

Best seat in the house

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

Another "nice guy" bites the dust

Today, my friend and I went to dinner. At the end, he told me that he’s had feelings for me for a while and wants to be more than friends. I don’t see him that way, so I tried to gently reject him and wanted us to stay friends. He stiffed me with the bill and said, “You can walk home then, buddy!” FML

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

Triple A

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

Fireworks

Today, I learned that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

Stink out

Today, I was on a bus with a whole bunch of athletes at a ski competition. I had to go to the bathroom, so I walked to the back and I let the floodgates open up. When I came out, everyone who was at the back of the bus near the bathroom had moved to the front because the smell was so putrid. Everyone was staring at me. FML

Today, after ranting to my boyfriend about how Pandora bracelets are pointless and cliched and that I'd never spend that kind of money on a tiny charm, he gave me my Christmas present. It was a Pandora bracelet. FML

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

Silver linings

Today, I finally found something to be thankful for in my lonely life: At least I don’t have to panic whenever my period is late. FML

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

Clusterfuck

Today, I went to the doctor's office to get my yearly check up. Soon after I got home, I threw up and somehow had a fever. FML

Alone time

Today, as a prank, I told my husband I was going to sleep alone in the spare room, just to see his panicked reaction. Not only did he not panic, he agreed straight away, then an hour later announced he was going to bed a whole three hours earlier than normal. I can hear him in there, watching TV, eating snacks. FML

Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML

Return to sender

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. with an extremely satisfying fart. It felt great and I probably would have fallen right back to sleep, except that my ass was 8 inches from the air intake of my CPAP machine that I use, due to smoke inhalation damage from being a firefighter. It was so gross that I threw up in the CPAP mask. FML

Smart

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were at a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

Busted

Today, my mom found out that I’ve been faking my exam grades, turning my 30s to 80s and 40s to 90s on the paper exams. She got access to my online student portal and saw my real grades. I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

Focus!

Today, after I cooked dinner, my girlfriend told me how much she missed me and how she wanted to spend more sexy time together. We climbed into bed and, right in the midst of getting frisky, her ADHD kicked in big time, so her mind went astray and then she just fell asleep. Perhaps some Adderall? FML

Friends like these

Today, I found out that my closest friend of many years had been putting on a charade of being my friend, and has decided that they can't be bothered with the effort of me existing any more. FML

Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my room was too dirty to clean. FML

My brain hates me

Today, I had my third incapacitating headache this week. This has been happening for months. Pain killers and other remedies seem to work at random, if at all. Nobody has been able to tell me the cause. FML

Steady as she goes

Today, I tried to walk on the sidewalk. Actually, it was so slippery that I had to shimmy across it. Then I shimmied too quickly and fell down. Now everything hurts. Maybe next time I should bring a sled. FML