Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML
Today, I've been stuck in a minimum wage job since I was 15. I'm now 22 and I have no idea where I'm going in life. FML
Today, I realized my marriage makes me feel like I'm just passing time until death. FML
Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young daughter. Trying to be polite I smiled at the little girl. She burst into tears asking her mommy 'what is wrong with that ladies teeth'. Apparently braces on a 25 year old is not 'kid friendly'. FML
Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and bust my head on the floor. FML
Today, I was cleaning wax out my ears when my wife came barrelling into the bathroom, desperate to pee. The door slammed right into the side of my head and the cotton swab I was using was pushed all the way in and ruptured my eardrum. FML
Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML
Today, I spent a good deal of my afternoon preparing a nice dinner for my girlfriend. When I finally served the meal, I proudly presented her with a beautifully arranged plate of salmon. She looked at it and said, “You know I’m allergic to fish, right?” We had cereal for dinner instead. FML
Today, I realised that I wasted 10 years of my life studying for a godforsaken exam for my career. I took the dang exam 3 times, and failed it. This September will be my last and final attempt, and If I don't make it, I don't know what I will do with my life. Changing careers at 42 just seems too difficult. FML
Today, my grandpa’s estate is being sued. Over his career as a cross country truck driver, he impregnated dozens of women, some of which were underage. Now so many of them are suing, my grandma might lose the house that’s been in our family for generations. FML
Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML
Today, I went to get Covid test because I had chest pain and shortness of breath. Turns out, I just have depression and anxiety. FML
Today, I put something up for sale online. I provided all pertinent information in the description, and I had about a dozen replies. From the questions they asked, I have to conclude that NONE of those people actually read the description. FML
Today, I thought I saw my ex in a crowded café, so I ducked behind a counter to avoid them. It turns out that I was hiding from a random stranger, while the barista thought I was trying to steal muffins. FML
Today, I had a job interview; unfortunately for me, I was so nervous that all of a sudden I felt the need to take a huge dump. My bowels started growling out of protest. I tried to play it off as if it was due to me being hungry, but it sounded like I had a monster trapped in my guts. The interviewer raised an eyebrow in disbelief. FML
Today, I walked into a coffee shop where I always flirt with the cute barista who I think likes me, and confidently told her I'd have "the usual." She just stared at me blankly and said, "I have literally never seen you before in my life." FML
Today, like every day since my diagnosis, I've had to choose between two impossible options. Either I deal with debilitating headaches where I cannot focus, or I feel so drowsy that I cannot focus. My finals are in a week and I can't study. FML
Today, for the Lunar New Year, my mom ordered me to put 8 horses in a specific location in the house. I used my limited edition My Little Pony figures. She got furious, had them destroyed, and cussed me out for bringing misfortune. How? Four of them had horns, whereas "4" means "death", and the horn represents evil. FML
Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML
Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML
Today, I blew out the dust from my GPU, and when I went to reinstall it, it turned out that I had inadvertently shorted something and now it's dead. FML
Today, my mom and stepdad finally grounded my horrible, rebellious sister. The problem is that they grounded me as well in order to "keep me in line and make sure that I don't do what she was doing." FML
Today, I did my small part to help the environment by hanging my clothes outside to dry rather than using the dryer. The birds showed their appreciation by crapping on the majority of my clothes. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML
Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML
Today, I found out that after moving in with my mother and her boyfriend into his place two months ago, she's breaking up with him, and leaving me stuck with him. Awkward. FML
Today, I got an invite to my high school reunion. With visions of wowing my former classmates, I set about starting a diet and exercise regimen. The universe had other plans. On my first run out in the fields, I managed to trip over an invisible pebble, fall into a puddle, and fuck my ankle up. The only thing I'm reuniting with now is my couch and a bag of ice. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML
Today, I found out my mom is still cheating on my dad with her ex boyfriend from her teenage years. She was caught last year, but apparently it's still going on. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML
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