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Never road head on a first date

By Anonymous - 04/03/2022 12:00

Spicy

Today, I drunkenly gave my date road head while he was driving me home. He must have gotten what he wanted, because that was a week ago and he’s totally ghosted me since. I’ve never felt this cheap and nasty and humiliated in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 1 650

Foxtrot Mike Lima

By Anonymous - 21/04/2023 18:00

Today, I went for an eye exam. The doctor asked me to read the chart on the wall and without even thinking about it, I started to call out the letters using the NATO phonetic alphabet. Nope, my time in the military has had absolutely no effect on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 717

You deserved it 1 950

By DumbLackofLuck - 22/12/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 855

You deserved it 9 005

Quick learner

By BubbaCat - 24/04/2023 10:00

Today, I've been babysitting a 4 month-old for two days. This has made a great impression on my cat, because now I can't sit down without him jumping up and licking my face until I pat his butt and rock him like the baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 209

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 18/09/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I got chased by a duck. Not just any duck, the same duck that has chased me every morning for a week. I’m starting to think it has a personal vendetta against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 564

You deserved it 3 086

By herzausstein - 21/12/2009 22:36 - Belgium

Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 678

You deserved it 7 106

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 575

You deserved it 7 351

Unhinged

By Anonymous - 29/04/2023 12:00

Today, I recently participated in a play and my mom asked for the video, so I said that someone should be sending it soon. My dad said, "It's OK, she doesn't have friends, she hasn't had one since childhood, that's why she doesn't have the video." I do in fact have friends, and the video had been sent already but I forgot to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 130

Suspicious minds

By Bill - 29/04/2023 00:00

Today, my girlfriend confronted me about having an active Tinder profile. When she showed it to me, it was someone pretending to be me. But that now begs the question: Why is she on Tinder? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 131

Interested

By Anonymous - 03/06/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 425

You deserved it 2 703

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 18:12 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 951

You deserved it 1 933

The hero we deserved

By Anonymous - 01/05/2023 15:00

Today, I helped save three people, including a newborn, when I was sole witness to a bad car crash. My boss said that wasn’t a valid reason to be 4 hours late for work and fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 104

I'm a loser, baby

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 684

You deserved it 10 040

I hear you telephone thing, listening in

By Anonymous - 09/05/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, I've been talking to a chick since early this year and she seems to like me a lot. We were both drinking heavily and were talking on the phone, having a really good time. Suddenly it hangs up. I get her back on the phone just a few minutes later only to hear her getting the bottom knocked out. So much for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 282

Freudian design

By Anonymous - 03/10/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I hired a graphic artist to design a logo for my shop. I think the guy might be obsessed with sex, since his first design looked like a vagina up a tree, and when I asked him to redo it, the result looked like a pair of boobs. Either he’s in denial or he’s actively mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 84

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 688

You deserved it 3 859

By Anonymous - 17/07/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 193

You deserved it 3 853

I just want to go home

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only four hours to go until I get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 851

You deserved it 2 488

By roark0806 - 29/05/2009 13:54 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 559

You deserved it 4 899

5 Yelp stars

By Jeff89 - 16/05/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. As the dentist was drilling, he accidentally hit a nerve and I ended up screaming in pain. The whole office heard me and now I'm too embarrassed to go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 138

Bitch better have my money

By Pio - 22/02/2022 16:00

Today, I asked my coworker to pay back the $100 I'd loaned her when she fell on hard times. She’s owed me for almost a year now, and she always said she’d pay me back “Next week.” She responded by telling HR that I was “harassing” and “threatening” her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 182

Anger management classes going well?

By Fuckrs - 15/05/2026 15:00 - United States - Secaucus

Today, not only did my deadbeat brother mooch off me for six months, wreck my car, and screw my wife, he just successfully sued me for the medical bills he incurred when I caught them and beat him within an inch of his life. Twelve fucking grand in debt. I should have just stabbed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 154

By Forge - 11/10/2014 14:43 - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 050

You deserved it 3 486

By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 07:22 - United States

Today, I finished moving cross-country and signed a 13 month lease to be closer to my on-again / off-again boyfriend of the past five years. I showed up at his place to borrow his truck just as his "local" girlfriend was leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 816

You deserved it 19 650

RoadGoesOn4Ever tells us more.

RoadGoesOn4Ever 0

Monday 14 December 2009 8:08

I'm the OP. I originally moved away from him to finish my degree/get my Masters. We've been on and off because he runs private security for the government and spends the majority of his time overseas. I signed a 13 month lease because I wanted to live in a house and I have two big dogs. He was all for me moving out here. Long story short, IMO: the situation blows, we're over and done with, and I have an awesome new house/job in Vegas.

Stylish

By boo - 27/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview, I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 7 430

Am I the asshole?

By Anon - 22/05/2023 22:00

Today, I fucked up when I answered a phone call. I wasn't sure who the number was at first, and it turned out to be my ex girlfriend who had apparently been stalking me. She asked me how my new girlfriend was, and as I answered it in front of my girlfriend, she's now depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 247

By squeltorey - 03/08/2012 19:28 - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 838

You deserved it 11 192

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 525

You deserved it 3 871

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The Top

The Top

Today, after 3 years, I saw my ex, who I still love, at a coffee shop. Being nice, I said hi. He turned around, looked at me, and said, "Thank God I broke up with you. You look like a hot mess!" before getting up and walking out with his model girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 436

You deserved it 5 940

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 2 825

Today, I told my toddler to put the cat down, so he did. On my leg. I guess I should have been more specific. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 395

You deserved it 295

Today, after cutting my hair and shaving, I had girls hitting on me for the first time ever! Too bad they thought I was a butch lesbian, not a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 162

Today, I went blueberry picking for the first time since I was a kid. In a huge lot with no one in it, a pickup truck choose to block us into a corner lot spot. When asked to move, the pickup driver said, “I hope the shade spot was worth it.” He then flashed a gun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 133

Today, my two idiot boys beat the hell out of each other over a girl they both like. The poor girl isn’t even remotely interested in them, she’s had the same boyfriend for 6 years, and is marrying him next year. What idiots I raised, one has a broken finger and the other is missing teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 154