The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers asked if I was her mother. I'm only 17. FML

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

Puzzled

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

Today, my best friend asked if car oil could be used as a substitute for lube. I need new friends. FML

Today, I found out that the woman who has been secretly sexting my husband for the last two months is my new co-worker. I have to train her. FML

Asshats everywhere

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote "You no nothing John Snow." It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

Snooze

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

Captain Hook

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

Unfortunate coincidences

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote: “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

My name is Pica…

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

Freakout

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

Today, I was once again called a "selfish bitch" because I don't want kids, even though I can't provide for them mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. FML

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML