The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

Congratulations!

Today, I found out my daughter got married and didn’t even bother to tell anyone. She just turned up at a family get together with some random dude and introduced him as the guy she married two weeks ago while drunk. They’re now dating to see if the marriage will work out long term. I can’t even. FML

Who are you?

Today, a kid walked in on me and my new FWB having sex at her place. I knew she had children, so I asked if it was hers. No, it was her son's. I'm boning a grandma who's not even 50. FML

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

You snooze, you lose

Today, I got turned down by the person who has been wanting to date me for five months. FML

Out in the sticks

Today, after years of restless sleep in a noisy city, I finally moved to a very quiet place. So quiet that I realized I have tinnitus. I need to play background noise to cover it, so I can manage to get some sleep. FML

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

Double standard

Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML

Today, I came home from work to find my computer smashed into a hundred pieces. My dad threw it at my mom because they were having a fight and my computer was the closest thing to throw. He refuses to fix it. FML

Instant cure

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

Strange domestic arrangement

Today, because I wanted to let my cat have his breakfast before I used the bathroom, which is also his dining room, I learned that when your day starts with shitting your pants, things can only get better from there. FML

How could you?

Today, after screaming at me this morning, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. We're trying to get pregnant, but she caught me masturbating, or "reducing my sperm count on purpose" as she called it. I just wanted some harmless fun with some porn, since getting pregnant has made actual sex a chore. FML

Kinda weird

Today, I have been eating more and still not gaining weight, so my dad took away my PS5 until I gain 20 pounds. According to him, “A woman should be curvy.” FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

Own it

Today, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I broke it. Now my family won’t stop making fun of me and calling me names like "chubby" and "fatso". The scale was really old and I weigh 110 pounds. FML

Cozy

Today, my girlfriend thought that a few candles in our room would create a cozy and romantic atmosphere. Especially the one on the bookshelf. That candle damaged only one book - it was signed by my great professor, who's long gone. She doesn't understand why I can't just buy a new copy and deal with it. FML

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

Bad idea

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

Free advertising

Today, I received a package that I thought contained a textbook for law school, for which I paid $130 used. Instead, I received a paperback novel titled "The Nosy Neighbor" by Fern Michaels. My semester starts next week. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

Misunderstood

Today, I was trying to explain to my mother-in-law how I hated the way my father-in-law talks to me, the tone he uses. She thought I was attacking him and got mad at me. FML

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, I went to tell my neighbour I was sure his son had been taking pictures of me from his window. He laughed in my face, then assured me no one on planet earth could possibly want photos of my fat ass and double chin, then shut the door in my face, still laughing. FML

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

Today, I was accused of being high. Why? Because I was playing with a milk bottle. FML

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

Today, I received a chain-mail text that vividly described what "Tanya" would do to me in my sleep if I didn't forward it on. I'm so paranoid that I did just that. I also realized that accidentally forwarding such things to your boss can get you fired. FML