Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML
Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML
Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML
Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML
Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML
Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML
Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was "drying the water." FML
Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML
Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML
Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML
Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML
Today, I wrote a long, loving and emotional Christmas letter to my girlfriend, leaving it for her to read when she woke up. Halfway through the day, I received a text stating that she saw my "breakup letter" and threw out all my stuff. I can't even contact her now. FML
Today, I was driving with my little brother when out of nowhere he yelled at me to stop. Thinking it was urgent, I slammed my breaks, almost getting rammed from behind. Why did he yell for me to stop? The Pokémon GO said there was a sparrow near us. FML
PurplePanda_1927 tells us more.
First of yes sorry spearow. Second thankfully my brother and I are fine and the guy that was behind us is too, well aside from being beyond pisses off at me he was fine. The reason I slammed my break is because the street I was driving in is infamous for people getting hit because they run across hopping to beat the car and I though I was about to hit a little kid or an animal. When we got home I explained to him how Pokemon is not a good reason to get us kill especially for a simple Pokemon like that one. Don't get me wrong I play the game to and have had some close calls because I wasn't paying attention but none where while I was driving. I mostly walk or ride my bike to go hunting for pokémon
Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML
Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML
Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML
Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML
Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML
Today, I realized my girlfriend was taking my pain meds from my shoulder surgery. She says it shouldn't hurt after 2 days. I don't have any left and can't get a refill for a week. She took them just for fun. FML
real life problems tells us more.
OP here, yes of course i broke up with her over it, which she still thinks I'm over reacting to. I ended up calling for more pain pills but they wouldn't approve me any more that fast. I ended up just dealing with the pain on my own while being bitched out for being selfish.
Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML
Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML
Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML
Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML
Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML
Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML
Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML
Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML
Today, I tried to pay my phone bill. My account said my zip code for my card was wrong, so I called customer service. After a half-hour wait, I finally got ahold of someone. Right as we connected, the call dropped. My plan had expired. FML
Emi N. Jax tells us more.
Emi N. Jax 13
Ok so to everyone saying "why don't you just do automatic payments?" Or "the bill is the same time every month just plan ahead." IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIX THIS SINCE AUGUST! I can't connect my credit card due to the "incorrect zip code" and was trying to call customer service to get that fixed. Thank you -_-
Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML
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