Today, I found out I have oral and genital herpes as well as genital warts. I'm a 15-year-old virgin. I don't know how this happened. FML
Today, my mattress has gotten so old and trashed that I was woken up by two springs ripping through my bed sheets and stabbing me in the leg and abdomen. FML
gavthewarealpaca tells us more.
Hey everybody, OP here, I love all the puns you have made and the concern. The spring that hit my leg went pretty far in, it chipped a small piece off my femur and the one in my abdomen was only skin deep. I'm currently in the hospital recovering from the surgery to get the little chip of bone out of my leg. I'm doing well and will be out within a few days! Thank you for the publish!!
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML
Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML
Today, I was startled by my roommate marching a drunk man out of our apartment. Somehow he found his way in complete darkness into the bathroom without alerting me or my dog next to the only door. He mistook the clothes hamper for the toilet. FML
Nexpecto tells us more.
Nexpecto 28
This is the most spot on reply haha! The scariest part of this whole ordeal is that I was awake but had my eyes closed and still didn't hear a drunk intruder come in. I'm a tetraplegic meaning that I have little use of my arms and none in my legs. I have my bed in the living room so that I still have things to do at night since I am bed bound. Because of my lack of independence, I have caregivers that come in daily to help with my needs. My roommate left the door unlocked around midnight so that he would not have to get up to let my caregiver in on Saturday morning. The last thing we were expecting was a drunk man urinating in the bathroom at 3:15 AM! My dog Bella makes the sweetest pit bull but worst guard because of how friendly she is. As frustrating as it it, we still love her. This was definitely the luckiest I've been in a long time and the last time the door is unlocked at night. If I had been completely alone that night there would have been absolutely no way for me to get his drunk ass out. Thankfully it was just a wasted man looking for a toilet instead of a crack head looking to get his next fix
Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML
Today, after my sister's wedding, a bunch of people were dancing. I noticed my grandma sitting alone and looking sad. My grandpa died last month, so feeling bad for her, I asked if she'd like to dance with me. She seemed a lot happier, until I accidentally caused her to fall and break her arm. FML
Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML
Today, on the train, I got excited when I suddenly noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from a boy I liked. With a grin on my face, I told my friend. My dad overheard and said, "Oh sweetie, he probably had the wrong number." The voicemail was blank. I texted him. The call was indeed an accident. FML
Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML
Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML
Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML
Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML
Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML
Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML
Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML
Today, the company I work for lost 3-weeks worth of time sheets, so we have to fill them all out again. I don't remember what I did yesterday, let alone three weeks ago. That's why I religiously fill out the time sheets in the first place. FML
sideeffect001 tells us more.
Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML
Today, I got my first job after having spent months looking, and graduating college in the meantime. I got it based on my pre-college qualifications. FML
Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML
GraceWaldorf93 tells us more.
Hi guys! OP here :) Well, after a long talk with my parents, turns out I am adopted. It certainly came as a shock to me because my grandma (yup, same one) spoils me to this day. I am 22 years old and I am the only adopted grandchild and am yet my grandma's favorite (I'm not even kidding!). I gave her her first great-grandchild and she loves him more than life itself. Granted, I would have preferred to have found out another way, but it doesn't affect me at all. Thank you for the nice comments!
Today, I had planned a pig eye dissection with my students. I didn’t think it was possible to have a student stupid enough to swallow the lens. Now I do. FML
Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to add my crush on Snapchat. He thought it would be a good idea to block me. FML
Rose Wolfe tells us more.
Rose Wolfe 14
Hey OP here. I wasn't expecting this to get posted! So just some background my crush and I were friends before this incident and we've had decent conversations. I have not been obvious about having a crush on him as I like to be friends with people and get to know them first off. That's why I decided to add him not to stalk him but because I considered him my friend... I honestly don't have any explanation for why he would block me but luckily nothing in our face to face relationship has changed. I also don't want to ask him about it because that was his decision and it's not really my place to question it.
Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML
Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML
Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML
Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML
Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML
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