Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML
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Top comments
Trembelwick 5
Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!
xii_clueless 0
Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]
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Comments (301)
williamcarter93 13
I can say something about this. He said "If you ever break her heart." Why must one always assume that the other person is going to do the heart breaking, not their own child? And, also, what if she did something to deserve it, such as infidelity, and then he leaves and she ends up sad. That ain't his fault, so he would still deserve his dick. If I was the dad, I probably would have said, "If you mistreat her," instead
skyeyez9 25
One day, hormone crazy boys who Make jokes about sammiches, screwing random girls may one day have a daughter, and the same type of boy will be chasing her. Then you will think differently. To a father, handing over his teenage daughter to be collected by her date, is like giving a million dollar Stradivarius violin to a gorilla.
downtime 13
Because guys like this are incapable of comprehending that girls enjoy sex too.
Andisir 0
Oorah marine corps! I woulda crapped my pants
macguy4321 14
Well, that should be motivation not to break the girl's heart.
grannygruber 6
I love dad's who take the safety of their little girls seriously! Wasn't so crazy about it when it was my dad tho! Lol
ollie415 10
Don't break her heart then I guess
rezzrhyme 0
if i had a daughter id do the same lol
kainele22 0
My dad would do the same aahha
LolSarcasm 14
Haha, Semper Fi.
Heinousness 0
Hope you like her! If you don't think it'll work out... Well, it'll suck... Dickshit I had to say it
Heinousness 0
Bad puns make everything funnier!
DCvRkey2012 7
182, you really didn't have to say it.