Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML
Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML
Today, while I was shaving my nose started to itch. Guess which I shaved and which I itched. FML
Today, being tired of all the shrubbery growing “downstairs”, I decided to give my lady bits a good waxing. So, naturally, I now have a tiny tear in my right labia and I'm scratching my itchy buttcrack with an old toothbrush. FML
Today, I thought I had a stick stuck in my hair. A very pokey stick. That aggressively bit my face when I tried to get it out of my hair. It was a big ass spider. My face feels like it's been punched. FML
Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML
Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML
Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
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Top comments
AndyPurdy 31
...wtf... Go take a shower
PaulChristie 13
That makes me feel genuinely sick.
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Comments (98)
PaulChristie 13
That makes me feel genuinely sick.
MisterEx 28
Don't you mean ... Genitally? YEAAAAAAH.
andrmac 25
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
No the op is genitally sick!
AndyPurdy 31
...wtf... Go take a shower
panda94_fml 7
great name great pic !!! BVB!!!!
RecklessNapkin 16
#95 thank you for making me notice the pic and name, as you can (probably) see, i like bvb as well.
Silver7827 14
...wtf... is "BVB"?
GAeroNKissR 26
Black Veil Brides - my nephew is a big fan
somochi 9
Sorry OP, you should probably get that checked out..
Yimpish 15
Maybe you just got pinched by the waistband? Happens pretty often actually
Dallyni 22
Was it a spider?! Yet another reason not to go to Australia.
ladyLALAA 29
Not sure if this is a bad joke or you're just stupid
Dallyni 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Not sure if you're trying to be funny or a rude ass
idefka 34
#33, I'm gonna say stupid.
Dallyni 22
How is it stupid?
gatorgirl1023 9
probably just stupid #33
SomewhatNuts 19
No, I'm thinking ignorant.
Ben_cerrony 12
I mean you kinda just dissed Australia for no reason all because they have spiders. Australia is actually a pretty dope place.
crossl16 22
Just stop and look at all the dislikes in your posts. More than ten people think it's "stupid"
cmog3 12
It's not just Australia, every country has spiders..
pandainspandex 19
I find it interesting that out of all of the comments dissing Australia hers was the only one that was thumbed down.
PinkGlitterBunny 8
It's a very common joke. You hear it all the time. "Everything in Australia wants to kill you" Everyone makes harmless jokes at Australia and every other country.
thecore23456 19
I mean aside from the massive amounts of racism yeah it's pretty dope.
Hammer1722 19
We don't have a problem down here, only 86% of us are casual racists. The other 14%? Well we don't speak about them
thecore23456 19
Casual racists? I really hope that's a joke. Because the indigenous population of Australia only recently stopped being categorized as basically animals and as actual people.
YuckyDuckyLucky 17
Do you honestly believe a ******* spider in your underwear would go unnoticed? I am genuinely interested in your answer
luvlu444 24
as an Australian i can tell you that her joke was harmless and not uncommon. give the girl a break, she obviously meant no malice
SookyLala 13
rofl #79 get more facts mate
Dallyni 22
Obviously something bit him, just saying.
pop17123 19
Don't worry it's not stupid
Hammer1722 19
It was a joke #79. This is a place where people can Joke.
dVwarfare 15
Calm down its just a joke. She clearly wasn't being serious.
NishchayT 8
I swear to God people on FML are so sensitive. I've seen people get offended by the stupidest things
VonBlitzkrieg 27
Don't listen to these butthurt P.C. pansies, #5. It's common to joke about animals in Australia, just like people joke about guns in the US. Ask them for their address and send them tissues for their tears. It's sad to see what a bunch of crybabies our generation spawned.
exos_blackpearl 10
#5 Dont worry deary. You were just making a joke. People make jokes about Australia all the time and hiw everything there is trying to kill you. I wonder why they dislike YOUR comment.
Tigertamer01 15
**** me I up voted this stupid persons post by accident
Railroader 16
Time to see a doctor
supr_sexy 9
no.... OP should probably hire an exterminator.
sturschaedel 27
Put one part bleach in ten parts water in a bowl and sit in it.
thecore23456 19
That sounds like a bad idea to be honest.
sturschaedel 27
A friend of mine did that when he caught lice "down there". I told him not to do it because it sounded crazy. He did it anyways and it worked. He told me he had blonde pubic hair afterwards, but the lice were gone. So, bad idea as it might sound, it obviously worked.
snarkytruth 37
If you thought it was a bad idea and even told your mate NOT to do it, why would you turn around and tell the OP to do it? ( only when called out as a bad idea change your tune and claim you thought it was a dumb idea at the time too ?)
exos_blackpearl 10
#134 There are many things that sound stupid at first but actually arent. Like putting oil on your face removes pimples but many people would think its stupid. It actually works.
Razell 13
Y'know... shaving would probably have been just as effective. ...Though I suppose the bleach would also kill anything else he'd caught.
Attacksloth 33
This is like a male version of the movie Teeth.........
KingKA14 11
Great movie i rate 10/10
BamBAmGG 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Are you kidding me #48? That was literally one of the weirdest ******* movies ever haha
Railroader 16
Hear that sound #58? That is the sound of the joke going over your head.
MariaGiovanni 25
****** dentata!
anyagrande 31
The most unrealistic thing about the movie was that when she google her problem the answer she needed was the first website suggested
vikky538 29
You are from a nope country. So better clean yourself regularly to avoid any bugs in your jungle.
FKLinguista 9
'Nope country'. Thank you, sir. I now have a new clever phrase in my arsenal! Please accept my thumbs-up.
jessenia123 27
I would probably go to the doctors about that...
alexisaurus 20
This made me shudder.