Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML
Today, my son begged me to take him to the doctor for the weeping bloody rash on his penis so I had to take an unpaid day off for his appointment. The doctor laughed us out the door after it turned out to be a good old-fashioned friction burn. FML
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML
Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for what I thought was a persistent bug bite. Turns out it was a mole I'd never noticed. I had been scratching it then applying anti-itch cream for weeks. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
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Top comments
breakthesky 0
...I'm not going to ask.
shortgurlsaywahh 0
wow I dont know if I should feel sorry for you or if I should laugh at your stupidity? and random sidenote how small are you that you can weasel into the mouth of a snapple bottle?
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Comments (201)
bethinabox 0
Awkwaaaaaard
fyourlife33 0
the biggest problem is you were having a check-up on your dick with a dermatologist, what the hell used to be wrong with it? std problems?
someotherbitch 0
snapple... made from the best stuff on earth!!! I guess it just got better???
Young_Sparta 0
how do you sound so mean 119(not in the comment, on profile) well anyways...YDI even though most guys probably have had their curiosity moments
Luv4pink1721 0
What does YDI mean lol I cant figure it out for the life of me?
Bucinka 5
Ignorant comment. Ever been to a dermatologist? Their job is caring for SKIN. All over the body. (And nails, as it happens) Do you really think melanoma cares where it shows up?
Bucinka 5
You deserve it.
IthicaTheDragon 0
You deserved it.
brvfan25 5
yes
fatham 0
you dumb idiot...
karafrickenmona 0
YDI = you deserve(d) it
Humanspider 18
You possibly have made the greatest response ever. I kinda want a snapple now.
Jiplo 18
you deserved it... sheesh
pie_flavor 16
You deserve it
breakthesky 0
...I'm not going to ask.
m0tl3ycru3 0
It's self explanatory
shortgurlsaywahh 0
wow I dont know if I should feel sorry for you or if I should laugh at your stupidity? and random sidenote how small are you that you can weasel into the mouth of a snapple bottle?
j3r3myfong 0
snapple bottles are quite big :/
AndelleRae 9
Have you ever seen someone suction a cup or a glass or anything around their mouth? It's the same basic principle. The bottle is air tight. As he's going to town on it, his penis is going to swell a bit, and the thrusting and whatnot will cause suction. Women back in the day had problems like this too because they used glass coke bottles to ********** with. They'd usually have to go to the emergency room and get them removed because it involved the shattering of the bottle. Scary stuff. OP: Next time, just spring for one of those "pocket pussy" things you can get at sex toy shops.
americayay 0
OW! WHAT THE ****!? why would you share that awful coke bottle story? anyways, this is one of my favorites in a long time.
ImaBmyLonurTees 0
The size of the snapple bottle aside, I think you posted the wrong fml. It shoud have begun, "Today I got my penis stuck in a snapple bottle. Guess how... FML" or something like that...
CJ090 0
Um yea 4 the little dick community it is I deff can't fit in no snapple bottle (not 2 sound cocky no pun intended)
uberchicken 0
It's called a fleshlight, don't ask. And, OP, the opening of a Snapple bottle may seem big for a juice bottle, but it actually isn't fit for an erection.
blondiee09 0
#70 : it's true, I laughed more at yours than the origanal. LMAO
xX_LilSammie_Xx 4
shattered bottles.. that made me cringe.
Mnemic 6
I wouldn't have told her so much details I think...
sexymessy 0
I TOTALLY agree! LMAO. This is pretty funny.
RissaRoo 0
You coulda just said it was a bruise... Didn't have to say how you got it, and if the doc asked, just say rough sex or something!!! Sorry, to hear about your unfortunate event!!!
sameer672 0
a snapple bottle?? LMAO
ohheyliza 0
This just made me want snapple
Inritus1618 1
Anyone else immediately think of Seinfeld where Elaine always walks into Jerry's house and offers him a bottle of Snapple?
attebury1 0
.....**** man
ilovejooo 0
YDI for putting your penis in the snapple bottle in the first place.
lolzforfun228 3
he might have been taking a piss on the road :D
diet_otaku 0
you have to stick your penis IN the bottle to piss in it?
A_Guy 0
Yeah, I call bullshit
NDnation44 0
Why do you call bullshit? You know you've tried to stick it in something like that when you were younger.
jordankid93 0
lmfao
8trickster8 0
Couldn't you have just lied? Or at least said, "Oh, it's just a bruise, nothing to worry about." I think they would respect you not wanting to explain it in detail.
BikerMike 0
ROTFLMAO. the only thing funnier would be your dick getting stuck in the bottle.
Gefangene 0
Damn, this makes me want to have sex with you just so you dont have to resort to that. I feel sorry for you babe:( Go find a hooker, lol
intotheblue 0
... or an easy female online who will have sex with you out of pity. God that's creepy. Anyway YDI, and #9 is right, you could've been a bit more vague than that, and spared both you and them the awkwardness.
mfoster1014 0
Today, a girl replied to my FML saying that she feels bad that I had to stick my penis into a snapple bottle, so she would want to have sex with me. FML.