Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off, so he decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying, "If God doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML
Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML
Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML
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Top comments
tigerthepredator 16
Your brother makes a good point
latenerd 11
Sorry you both got grounded OP, but that was hysterical! I don't blame you for laughing. Your dad is wrong to try to shame both of you for something normal.
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Comments (67)
EvilLittleMan 23
Your brother spunked your Dad but sorry to hear you got grounded OP.
NostalgiaFreak9 43
Masturbation is completely normal and healthy, what is it with religious people who think it's "evil" and a "sin"?
shakotoon 4
I think it stems from the story/myth of Onan and the "crime" of "spilling seed". Poor kid, though. There's really nothing wrong, immoral or unhealthy with pleasuring oneself.
waleedma 18
Cant make up my mind..... Your life sucks? Or you deserved it??? But one thing I am still laughing an hour after reading this???
pjsr 33
I hope you gave him a good high five after. Tbh, being grounded or sent to your room just gives you more time to **********.
PurpleMyth 28
I definitely wouldn't high five him for a while, just to be safe
pjsr 33
Good point #21 - makes you wonder how quickly the lecture followed the getting caught in the act. "Brian, come here to your brother's room right now!"
Callum536 5
Just make sure not the hive five the wrong hand... If you know what I mean
pjsr 33
This is also something you can use to tease your brother from now until you die: "Whaat?! You can get your hand all the way around your knob?" "Hey bro! If God didn't want you to give me a helping hand, why is your hand just the right size to fit around my knob?" "Bro, that car's exhaust pipe is the same size as your knob. God must want you to stick it in there" The grounding you got now will be worth the laughs you and your brother will have remembering this for the next 70 years.
littlefoott69 14
haha the one toy parents can't take away
TheHcwalker 20
Respect your father.
8313girl 28
No, respect the knob.
Danne696 14
Respect is mutual, If OPs father doesn't respect them then no respect should be given in return.
qurk 2
You mean, "submit to" your father...and he will "respect" and not be an asshole to you? People who feel they deserve respect because they treat other people horribly are cornflakes. He is ****-shaming his own sons and he deserves to be called out for it.
RustlingSoul 26
Your brother is on to something.
Eleora 19
I know many have said it before me, but that was hilarious! Sorry that you're grounded though, OP!
edward_cooper 10
wtf are you even doing here? youre damn hot. go get the **** outa here.
novdestiny 23
If God didn't want you to ********** he wouldn't have put genitals at hand hight.