Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off, so he decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying, "If God doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML
Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML
Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML
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Top comments
tigerthepredator 16
Your brother makes a good point
latenerd 11
Sorry you both got grounded OP, but that was hysterical! I don't blame you for laughing. Your dad is wrong to try to shame both of you for something normal.
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Comments (67)
tigerthepredator 16
Your brother makes a good point
jake_braves 25
Hey, sibling bonding moment. Those are the best! I have 3 younger brothers. Always the best, minus the being grounded. That's pretty lame. One time my dad caught me doing that and he laughed and said "we've all done it." And my dad is religious too. That's pretty lame op. Sorry bro.
tounces7 28
He'll at least have someone who won't disown him when he comes out as an Atheist later on, like pretty much all children of stupidly strict religious parents do.
latenerd 11
Sorry you both got grounded OP, but that was hysterical! I don't blame you for laughing. Your dad is wrong to try to shame both of you for something normal.
EuphoricSadness 18
That only justifies that your brother won the argument.
xxmollyxx 25
Aw, after moving house your dad finally caught on.
EmoKami 21
are you trying to connect this to the previous FML?
WintressSoldier37 27
it seems like it lmao
dakid87 10
Haha great connecting with the other FML lol
Tripartita 45
"Yeah, because of you guys, my son died nailed to a cross, lamenting the fact that I'd forsaken him, but you know what REALLY grinds my gears? Masturbation. Seriously, seriously, stop laughing!" –God
metalcrazed 21
There was no reason he had to die so that we could be forgivion for sinning it makes no sense.
sparkledoge 29
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Hand !" - OP's dad, probably.
snarkytruth 37
He could have stopped it but it was one of the main reasons for him being born. It was to prove His love for us and make it easier for us to be with God. It was also proof of Gods existence and final proof he was who he claimed to be - Gods son.
guy_incognito___ 20
God seems pretty perverted in my eyes if he watches us all masturbating.
_Desiderata_ 9
Haha, I ♡ your brother. But I do feel sorry for you.
vinnie_boombotz 15
I too fall in love with the siblings of those who post on this site
sparkledoge 29
I didn't know i was in love with pizza. Thanks #8 for opening my eyes, all these years saying I love pizza and not realizing what it meant...
DravensTheName 16
Your brother has a very valid response
SixthSinEnvy 39
And this is why I find religion to be more harm than helpful. I support that it gives people strength to go on and something to believe in that's bigger than themselves, but condemning actions as instinctual as self gratification as "evil" and "a sin" is what gives us the misunderstood psychopaths who could have lived a normal life had they not been chastised for experiencing natural urges and emotions. I'm glad you and your brother can find humor in the bible-thumping "logic", well executed humor at that.
TheNewGuy03 29
This. And I'm willing to bet that the dad masturbated furiously in his younger years, which would ostensibly make him a hypocrite.
alex_gen 39
Masturbation isn't mentioned as a sin in the Bible.
acmariner99 25
Not explicitly, but it does say that "anyone who so much as looks at a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery."
acmariner99 25
But I stopped caring after I hit puberty
InfiniteSunshine 32
As what happens a lot with religion and the Bible, people take pieces and assign their own meanings to it. They take quotes like James 1:14-15 "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death," or Thessalonians 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God." They look at these and take them to mean masturbation, when they never explicitly mention it, and could be referring to many things.
Shade1982 21
Actually, it sort of does on several occasions, but not directly. The bible condemns self-indulgence, adultery of the mind, and fornication. It also says sex is only for married couples, which would exclude sex with yourself...
URBeingLied2 23
It also says in Matthew chapter 23, verse 9, to never call anyone on earth father. Christians are only to call God their father.
pix3lpotato 2
Didn't you know God is triggered by people jerking off?