Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML
Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML
Today, I had explosive diarrhea. I got off the toilet to change my 3 year-old's poopy diaper. He was being stubborn, so I was going to go back to the toilet, which is when he laid down. I thought I could do it. I couldn't. He ran around diaperless as I ran back to the toilet with liquid shit running down my leg. FML
Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML
Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML
Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML
Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML
Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML
Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML
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Top comments
FlamingTacos 7
Tomorrow she'll be telling you how to do taxes.
skyeyez9 25
"Yay, mommy went potty!"
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Comments (119)
skyeyez9 25
"Yay, mommy went potty!"
Feared 9
"For the 10th time today!! She's really getting good at it!"
z563 8
Or "Daddy went potty"
iiTsAJ 5
Take the help, it seems like you need it.
LSS_fml 18
I really regret reading this while eating pumpkin risotto... There goes my appetite.
dethbunny 0
What the **** is pumpkin risotto? Wait, I'll google it...
FlamingTacos 7
Tomorrow she'll be telling you how to do taxes.
shagoon 2
Or how to **********...
SkoomaKi 28
20 - What is wrong with you? The girl is 3 years old for **** sake!
2oc 5
Your name and picture goes so well with the FML. One meal at taco bell and almost anyone will be following in OP's footsteps.
WeAreAHurricane 14
I initially read that as "tomorrow she'll be telling you how to do tacos" ....
vampiresam9097 5
This just made my day :) Sorry about the food poisoning though
PennyLane27 32
Love it! [minus the sickness!]... at least you know she's paying attention to your potty training lessons! :o)
SkoomaKi 28
I'm 17 years old, 6ft 2" and I'll admit that's really cute xD
MrSassypants 34
I'm 15, almost 16, about 6ft tall, my name is Kevin, my favorite color is yellow, and I think adding random facts about yourself is pretty stupid just to comment on something.
SkoomaKi 28
10 - Hi Kevin! It was to show that even though I'm mostly grown up, I can admit its cute. It has a point! I never liked yellow....it's too damn happy.
randomkayx3 11
Hey, adding extra info isn't so bad. I could be like, I am 6'5 and I have huge muscles. But damn, this is adorable!
kickuwithmyfist 1
10- Cyber bully much?
dogpup4 23
First day on the internet, 14?
kickuwithmyfist 1
No, just think it wasn't called for
SkoomaKi 28
14 - This is FML. What you get, is what you deserve. There is no mercy. I learned that the hard way a long time ago.
kickuwithmyfist 1
Typical for the Internet to thumb me down... Thanks everyone!!!:)
Duladian 19
17 isn't all grown up
Shrike 24
Your name's "kickuwithmyfist" and you're bitching about "cyber-bullying"? You're 24. Act your age. And it was mild ribbing at best, bullying my ass.
randomkayx3 11
You'll always be thumbed down. Even when you think your comment is gold. People WILL thumb it down. You've just gotta just get up, brush yourself off and go to another FML. Arguing about it will just make you look like an idiot.
SkoomaKi 28
25 speaks the truth. Follow it.
RadioOctopus 16
Who the hell thumbed 23 down?
kickuwithmyfist 1
Call someone a cyber bully and everybody get butt hurt lol! How did this flip around again lol haha!!!:)
theevilduchess 12
21- don't be so emo. If you're always getting thumbed down you probably deserved it. If you don't like it do write something different... Or stop commenting.
kickuwithmyfist 1
I'm not emo.. I'm actually laughing about it lol
emba_fml 13
im 17 years old, 5'2, and I think it's cute. what does height have to do with it lol
llamafish 25
Damn, am I the only one who can never remember their height? D:
SkoomaKi 28
Yeah I'm never going to mention any part of my life on here again. Lesson learned, move along fellow FML'ers.
Zomg_Okay 27
Hi, I'm Zomg_Okay and this is a combo breaker. [edit] ^^^ You couldn't wait, could you? :p
llamafish 25
Aww. I love hearing random tidbits about people's lives. Sadness :(
becka344 0
Well, howdy. I'm 67'8" and three thousand years old! My name also happens to be Saggitarwigringeatansalee. I live on Dione. ;}
nado13579 12
10- you said you were 15. Your profile says you're 21.
kamikrazy 6
I'm 17 and I'm about to graduate high school. I don't have much friends but, I do find this quite adorable which is what keeps me going everyday. Oh and p.s, I'm 5"11.
fromthesuck 8
Being 17 and 6'2" has nothing to do with being grown up. And the fact you think you are is generally evidence to the contrary.
MrSassypants 34
59 I am 15 but when I created I put over 18 because some sites won't allow you to do certain things when your age is under 18, (YouTube) so instead of referring it and not being able to do certain things I just lied. I know, I am teenage hooligan.
llamafish 25
Kevin, you're such a rebel.
Jaxx66 21
SkoomaKi - actually yellow isn't always considered happy. It's been proven that people cry more in a room that's painted yellow.... Random facts.
OffToTheGayBar 9
I'm 47, 4'3 and have a serious case of irritable bowl syndrome. Wait, what were we talking about?
bubbleslovescats 1
I get the point of this without you explaining :D.
Dustin_Pedobear 9
I'm 18, 6'2, and I like to conform. :D
SloppyFlamingo 4
Damn conformist...
KiddNYC1O 22
All grown up at 17?
buck33 14
Hi, I'm Rod, and I like to party.
SkoomaKi 28
87 - Didn't see me mention the word "mostly" did you?
facilitator 0
Chill out 85, he's just conforming to express his individuality.
chrystalthequeen 8
I want to join in on the Conversation!!!!
gc327072 31
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is Jackass.
peopleequalshet 10
My favourite colour is yellow, too!
KatrinaKitten 16
That's embarrassing, but at least she cares about you!
andrew87804 4
Whats emberassing is the amount of makeup u wear in ur profile photo
Jaxx66 21
72, what else is embarrassing, is your lack of ability to spell out whole words. Don't attack someone unless you can show yourself to at least be a bit better. Let's play nice.
onlychildFTW 34
At least your daughter is paying attention enough to know how to potty train you. If se can teach you she understands it. So good teaching on your part OP!
Pigeon89 34
72- Why did you stalk her profile photo?! Creepy
Belsie 10
Let's just hope she's not at the door listening to see if you "went". Aha, get better soon though.
ClosetTroll 10
Now you know you taught her well.
babe7260 30
Aww enjoy these precious times! They go by WAY TOO fast!!!!!
LaughinStock 16
Yeah, next thing you know she's calling you a bitch. :-/
zachherbert 10
And telling you she's pregnant.
Wheredidgrungego 12
I'm so sorry. I've had food poisoning 3 times. In the most violent case, I lost over 15 pounds just from vomiting and deficating so much. Get well soon OP!
11mandy80 6
Umm, gross
mk58 31
58, really? It's gross to be sick apparently.
girlwithmoodeyes 0
when youre in your 90s she'll be doing again, too!