Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute cashier at my usual drive-thru. Instead of saying, "Thank you," I panicked and said, "I love you." Now I have to find a new favorite burger place. FML
Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, at work, I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I usually try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say, "Have a nice night." What I actually said was, "Have a nice flow." FML
Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML
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Top comments
Narcoterrorist 6
What makes you think she would be attracted to you if she was under the impression that you ****** herds of ***** with no rhyme or reason?
Infamous_Tora 12
Complaining about how you are too good, right?
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Comments (94)
skyeyez9 25
Bragging that you screwed tons of women will not impress a potential date.
buckdharma 38
Damn op, you sound like a bad vacuum cleaner I purchased. It can't pickup anything. I thought it was a class act, turns out it's a class action.
lesley3r3 22
YDI.
joyce71 5
This is what we call open mouth insert foot
athos1237 4
Two words: douche nozzle
Obey_StudBoii 23
100% Satisfaction? Are you kidding me? Do you know how desperate that makes you sound? Next time don't use a cheesy line and just be yourself.
Pinkgal123 24
Do not mix those up.
collegedream121 8
Hey her expectations would be lower which would make u seem way better.
gilliaga73 18
Ha ha! That's hilarious. And I'm laughing at you, not with you.
Elizabeth_Scholt 18
Yeah, you totally deserved it.