Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute cashier at my usual drive-thru. Instead of saying, "Thank you," I panicked and said, "I love you." Now I have to find a new favorite burger place. FML
Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, at work, I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I usually try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say, "Have a nice night." What I actually said was, "Have a nice flow." FML
Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML
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Top comments
Narcoterrorist 6
What makes you think she would be attracted to you if she was under the impression that you ****** herds of ***** with no rhyme or reason?
Infamous_Tora 12
Complaining about how you are too good, right?
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Comments (94)
Infamous_Tora 12
Complaining about how you are too good, right?
persianninja 23
I think he is being modest
Micayla 12
"....about not being able to walk the next day ;)"
hemz_fml 13
Well obviously that's not true you were just making a joke which added to your charisma!
_Peppermint_ 34
You shouldn't lie. You'll go nowhere
TourettesGuyFTW 26
And no one.
30361 10
#2, why does your profile say mister...
ColtonStecher 12
O...m...g....
RedPillSucks 33
She/he eschews the gender binary.
30361 10
I guess that leaves "no customer satisfaction" then...
Uramonkey 11
They complained that OP's **** was too big! :p
saad2605 16
Not sure how deep that's going to take you? ;)
RoboCunnilingus 23
Not very deep. That's why there were 100% customer complaints.
Narcoterrorist 6
What makes you think she would be attracted to you if she was under the impression that you ****** herds of ***** with no rhyme or reason?
dave5124 7
Well if she did consider that a positive, she probably would be the type you want to stay away from.
MrConcise 35
If the name is any indication, dude's only 18. I know guys who lie about the action they get because it's a pride thing and a confidence booster. Hell, even I did it a little in high school when I was 15. He was probably just nervous.
bluerara912 12
Damn that was awesome
salazara 10
Oh dear a Freudian slip.....
Askzombie 14
Who the heck says 100% satisfaction op........ Especially for their sex life
mackdeezy 22
Ydi for lying. If you have to try that hard it wasn't worth your time. If she likes you regardless, that's when you know you found a good girl.
Ms_ValS 27
I wouldn't consider telling lies to be "trying hard". Seems more like the easiest way used by people who couldn't be bothered to try. Doesn't really matter what a person says anyway. It's all in the actions.
cuppycakeslove 20
Geez saying "100% satisfaction" makes you sound cheesy and lame...like those damn infomercials
Blackcatluck 19
It also sounds like she's paying him for sex...
Askzombie 14
Nailed it op...... Nailed it
cuppycakeslove 20
But he didn't get to nail her