Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute cashier at my usual drive-thru. Instead of saying, "Thank you," I panicked and said, "I love you." Now I have to find a new favorite burger place. FML
Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, at work, I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I usually try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say, "Have a nice night." What I actually said was, "Have a nice flow." FML
Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML
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Top comments
Narcoterrorist 6
What makes you think she would be attracted to you if she was under the impression that you ****** herds of ***** with no rhyme or reason?
Infamous_Tora 12
Complaining about how you are too good, right?
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Comments (94)
Enslaved 38
Wow! Smooth. You seem to know what girls want to hear. While you're at it, try woof whistling at us. We love that too.
Ameel_fml 19
Add a butt slap and a comment on the girl's boobs. OP is sure to win her over with that!
RedPillSucks 33
Personally, I like to do a boob slap and comment about her butt.
itawebbies 8
Lets be honest next time
meggieeee92 15
Girls don't want to hear about all the other girls you're having sex with. Way to ruin that. YDI
BadApple88 29
Never lie about your sex game because when it's time to prove yourself and if you cant back it up you gonna be looking like a loser
benmec 18
Did you take lessons from the pimply face kid on the Simpsons?
rickyblair 16
"Customer Satisfaction"? You sound like a prostitute. Oh yes, making yourself sound like a man ***** will win her heart for sure!
DorklyComicFan 8
Nice! A perfect record of disappointing sexual adventures.
mariepastyglue 30
That's what you get bragging isn't sexy and neither is trying to be something you are not, and you probably had it right the way it came out. YDI.
fleur_de_fevrier_fml 23
Dude, no smart girl will believe a guy who brags about having a great sex life. Boasting like that is unattractive and will only picture you as an arrogant douche-bag. A guy (or girl) who is good in bed doesn't have to brag about it. It's really easy to see through someone who is trying to make themselves look like Casanovas. Even if she buys it, when you start making out, she will realize quickly that you're not that experienced and that might be incredibly embarrassing for you. A nice girl won't mind if you have not done it that much, we all have to learn. So give up the act and be yourself :)
perdix 31
Yeah, women love it when men describe lovemaking as a business transaction. Perhaps you can submit a resume and ask if there are any "positions" for you. She'll probably tell you that she has no "openings" for you to fill.