Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I sent the kids to my parents' house, tidied the house, and made reservations for a fancy restaurant, hoping to surprise my wife. When she got home and I handed her flowers, she sighed and said, "Can you stop with the stupid romance shit? It's embarrassing. We're six years married, not two moonstruck kids." FML
Today, my wife's friend's husband broke the unwritten "man rule" of not being TOO good of a husband. He turned over a new leaf and started really busting his ass, so his wife bragged on him to my wife, and now she's sulking and refusing sex. FML
Today, I was telling my kids off for some misbehaviour when my wife chimed in that in all honestly, they were just behaving like I do most days. I had zero defence to that because it’s true. I've now got a wife and three kids who won’t stop mocking me FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the supermarket cashier by saying, “Guess I’m buying enough food for two!” She smiled politely and said, “That’s nice. Will your wife help you carry it?” I said, “What wife?” only to realize I’d just exposed myself as a lonely man buying family-sized frozen lasagna. FML
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Today, I played Connect Four with a gay guy who was clearly hitting on me for an hour. When he asked why I didn’t want to go to his place, I told him that I’m straight and married. He asked why I played with him for so long, so I told him, “My wife sucks at Connect Four.” He called me a cocktease and left. FML
Today, my girlfriend’s friend decided she wanted to tell her that I was flirting with other girls, just so we would break up. It worked. FML
Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML
Today, my wife was screaming at our son over his maths homework, so I poked my nose in to help calm them down. My wife was not happy when I pointed out that most of her calculations and answers were wrong, whereas our son got most of his right. I’m now in the doghouse because my wife can’t count. FML
Today, desperate for some affection from my cold, frigid wife, I lied and said we had an attractive new girl joining our department. Without looking up, she said, "You guys can fuck, I don't care, just be discreet." Stick a fork in this marriage, it's done. FML
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Top comments
Fickle 6
So what, she’s “your” wife not the other guys. Look at the positive.
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
well she isn't cheating on you so pick up a romance novrl casano-va
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Comments (12)
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
well she isn't cheating on you so pick up a romance novrl casano-va
TCRII 30
I think her next love letter should be written by your divorce attorney. If you stay with her, this guy should be permanently banned from your house and your wife’s life.
Fickle 6
So what, she’s “your” wife not the other guys. Look at the positive.
Amanda Howard 9
well his wife is allowing it so I see the fml
kfchicken 31
so you're telling me if the love of you life hit you with the worst burn of 2020 infront of your kids THEN your whole family laughed at you, you wouldn't feel hurt?
julfunky 29
His wife was allowing what exactly? A guy she was with BEFORE her husband to flirt with her? Or allowing her kids to laugh?
demix_fml 32
Step up your game .
fjvitt 14
Yeah...but wait til she starts on about his d*ck size...
distortedcognition 17
She chose you for you and not your bullshit. Relax, you’re golden
Iamthebanzai22 21
I'm great at flirting, unless I really like the girl. then I suck, Don't worry about it, she saw the man inside you and decided to give you her whole future. I think a guy who still tries to flirt with his wife is the coolest thing ever. Probably so does she.
juggalo2 22
You should have told your kids that she didn't choose you for your romance, she chose you because you're a stallion in the sack. That would have shut 'em all up.
WistayShlaio82 13
I have bad news, your life is ******* your best friend