Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute cashier at my usual drive-thru. Instead of saying, "Thank you," I panicked and said, "I love you." Now I have to find a new favorite burger place. FML
Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, at work, I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I usually try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say, "Have a nice night." What I actually said was, "Have a nice flow." FML
Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML
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Top comments
Narcoterrorist 6
What makes you think she would be attracted to you if she was under the impression that you ****** herds of ***** with no rhyme or reason?
Infamous_Tora 12
Complaining about how you are too good, right?
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Comments (94)
azwethinkweiz87 11
Yeah, I love it when a guy talks about the other women he's had sex with.... what the hell were you thinking!?
joea21 21
Even if you would have said it the right way you're still an idiot for thinking talking about sex if flirting. Grow up a little
puffleprincess 7
Major YDI, dude. Women don't want to have sex with men that are currently having sex with another person/other people, unless they're awful easy tramps, and you don't want that kinda girl anyway. Plus, women tend to instantly disbelieve braggarts and think them amusing fools. Just so you know...
sammyjanette 17
You know what's funny? I've seen two comments saying that you don't want the kind of girl who likes a guy who sleeps around. Um, isn't the OP purporting himself to be that type of guy? Why is it OK for OP to be like that, but not the girl he was talking to?
tiernang 21
He is saying that the only people who would want to have sex with OP are ******, but only because OP put himself out there to look like one too.
puffleprincess 7
#35-yeah, I was basically saying what #41 said. Most women don't wanna sleep w/ a guy that's sleeping around, & on the other hand, most men don't wanna sleep w/ women that sleep around. OP was trying 2 make himself sound like a manwhore, so ****** r probably the only type of girl that would want him
8born8 18
That's what happens when the little man inside your head leaves his post to go and get a coffee.
jw90 18
Why lie about it?
xblaine 17
You shot yourself in the the foot with that one.
zandalee 20
Funny how when we lie we often **** up... Just be yourself, be modest. It's far more sexy. ;)
Stephy94 9
And the girl's reaction was probably to think, "100% of an STI..."
Stephy94 9
100% chance of an STI*
Goblin182 27
Sexually Transmitted idiocy?
tiernang 21
You spelled it wrong in the comment that you tried to fix it, too...
tiernang 21
Unless you are saying infection... But then there's no need to fix it.
tiernang 21
Ya, I realized that all too late. My apologies.
hiholls 13
If you came within .00001 seconds of even thinking of using such a thing to impress me, I'd immediately be uninterested. Never mind your embarrassing fail :/ sorry OP just not my thing. FYL
buddy51 23
OP- did you break up with your last GF because she told you she had diabetes and you were afraid of catching it? You're doing a fine job of self-selecting women who are seeking he-******- Keep it up and you should find just the kind of girl you're looking for- lying, cheating, un-trustable and moronic- a match made in heaven just for you!!
miaoucore 13
bragging about "how good you are" and the "many" ladies you get wont get you anywhere. it just makes you look like a douche. but it just depends who youre talking to but really. dont